Ambush! - The Online Geek Community

General => Whatever => Topic started by: ShadowKiller14 on September 23, 2002, 09:27:08 PM

Title: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ShadowKiller14 on September 23, 2002, 09:27:08 PM
got any jokes? post em here.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 30, 2002, 09:35:00 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on October 01, 2002, 09:58:58 AM
Don't know, why?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 01, 2002, 04:48:49 PM
What're you asking me for, I asked you first!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 02, 2002, 12:21:08 AM
bad...just plain bad... Did you HAVE to put us through that one? :)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on October 02, 2002, 11:14:59 AM
Amen brother!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on October 02, 2002, 11:21:43 AM
The answer depends....

Ralph Nader: "because industial polution and urban sprawl have destroyed it's habitat, it probably won't make it across the street because a gas guzzling SUV will crush it."

Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"

Tom Daschle: "The republicans paid the chicken to sacrafice itself as a political stunt"

President Bush:  "It's a free nation"

And of course... to get to the other side.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 02, 2002, 08:36:17 AM
A Blonde's Death in the Family

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ShadowKiller14 on November 02, 2002, 02:34:54 PM
one day a blonde was at home with her husband jim. the blonde was sitting at the table quietly doing a puzzle, she just couldnt figure it out. frustrated, and angry, she asks her husband for help:

"ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A TIGER!"said the blonde hysterically

the husband sighs "honey, put the frosted flakes back in the box!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 03, 2002, 07:36:46 AM
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?


A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 03, 2002, 07:42:16 AM
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 03, 2002, 07:47:59 AM
''I'm Stupid'' Signs

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, I'm Stupid. That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot! See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked So..is your truck stuck? I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 04, 2002, 01:59:14 AM
**groan**

Now those last two were funny.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 04, 2002, 07:50:30 AM
Here's another one...

The Blonde and the Coke Machine

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke.

The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and says, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 06, 2002, 08:23:26 AM
The new teacher

Here goes Little Johnny being smart in class again . . . A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 07, 2002, 07:38:08 AM
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 08, 2002, 04:49:53 PM
one day at school the teacher is giving her students a taste test so she has them all close there eyes, she first puts on a strawberry on there tongues the students easily say its a strawberry then she puts a cherry the students easily guessed that is was a cherry then the teacher put a drop of honey on each students tongues well the students are stumped for a little bit there moving it around and just cant quite figure out the taste then the teachers give them a hint she says this is what your parents call each other  then a student in the back screams   SPIT IT OUT ITS AN *******!

[Edited on 11-11-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

[Edited on 11-14-2002 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 08, 2002, 04:55:53 PM
It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No Spice channel. No ESPN.
 

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. sand everywhere!

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More sand everywhere!

* Rags for clothes and hats.

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western.".

* Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they volunteer!"



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 08, 2002, 04:57:55 PM
Rated PG-13
"Little Johnny with math"

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the FREAKING difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 08, 2002, 05:00:50 PM
Rated R
"THE MAN CODE"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call YPUR FULL OF IT . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 12, 2002, 08:25:44 PM
It would be a good idea to clean the language up as some of the younger, and older, members might take offence.  Just subsitute the words for a "clean" version.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on November 13, 2002, 12:37:38 AM
I Concur...
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on November 13, 2002, 01:50:19 AM
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest this week.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1999 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1999 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the next Super Bowl, or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Nov. 1, 1999, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1999 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1999 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 14, 2002, 10:02:53 AM
I like the jokes, just try to keep it clean.  I cleaned the only thing I saw ;)

Good jokes though!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 18, 2002, 09:20:35 AM
NICE!  Lord [Rico]    very funny!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 25, 2002, 09:35:44 PM
heres some revised man rules...



THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 26, 2002, 03:01:51 AM
:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on November 26, 2002, 03:48:58 PM
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date
rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
 
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
"beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.  Men are
rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will
often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women
to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men
often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the
night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported
that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage."
 
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 27, 2002, 03:38:24 PM
Thank Goodness I quit drinking, and more importantly, I am also married.  That drug almost got me in trouble a few times.  WOW!

It also leads to delusions of grandeur.  you think that your puny 6ft 175lb self can take that 6' 5" 300lb gorilla at the next table.

:eek:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on December 08, 2002, 03:53:16 AM
The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.



[Edited on 12-8-2002 by [Lord] Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on December 08, 2002, 03:55:32 AM
Another blonde...



 Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 08, 2002, 04:31:50 PM
Grooooaaaannn
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on December 09, 2002, 08:42:08 AM
good one... ha hahahahahahaha :lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on February 05, 2003, 03:02:22 PM
OMG my stomach is killing me (http://sct.staghosting.com/index.html)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on February 05, 2003, 07:33:17 PM
What does NASA really stand for?


Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on February 05, 2003, 09:14:27 PM
ok that one was regurgitated from the 80's
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on February 05, 2003, 09:38:55 PM
It was that or "Not Another Shuttle Accident."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 17, 2003, 02:44:30 PM
*Whale Speak*

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.  "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey!  Can you hear me nowwww!?!'

 ( Man, I hate that commercial! - ZW )
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 17, 2003, 03:24:14 PM
For those of you with kids on the way, or freshly hatched, or just in general:

http://angsttechnology.com/AT/index.cfm?toon=12-30-02
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on February 17, 2003, 11:54:46 PM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 18, 2003, 12:24:17 PM
The Difference between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War on Terrorism:

Question:
 You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
 
Liberal Answer:
 
 Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this
situation?
 Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

____________________________________________________________
 
 Conservative Answer:
 
 BANG!
 ____________________________________________________________
 
 Texan's Answer:
 
 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 click...(sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
 
 Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
 
 Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
 
 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
 
 Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 24, 2003, 05:14:17 PM
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda

20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT a Travel Guide

9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Title: The Book Report
Post by: yoda_mon on February 26, 2003, 02:03:35 PM
When you have an "I hate my job day" try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.  You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson".  Be very sure you get this brand.
 
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed.  Open the package and remove the thermometer.  Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
 
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.  You will notice that in small print there is a statement.  "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
 
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times, "I am so glad I do not work for Quality Control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."  Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.:eek:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on February 27, 2003, 09:41:51 AM
Click Here (http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on February 27, 2003, 11:48:03 AM
NICE!  LOVED IT!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on February 27, 2003, 01:30:13 PM
That was GREAT!!!!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on March 02, 2003, 11:11:23 PM
Sorry Rico, I just don't find liberal jokes all that funny.  Better luck next time.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 03, 2003, 09:16:20 AM
I am for President Bush.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: yoda_mon on March 03, 2003, 11:37:28 AM
How to say "I Love You" in 17 languages...
English  . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish  . . . . .  . . .  Te Amo
French   . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German   . . . . . . . . . Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . Ai *&#$e Imasu
Italian  . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese  . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish  . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
 
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Texas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana,
Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia & Kentucky . . . "Nice ***,Get in the truck ."

:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on March 03, 2003, 02:35:11 PM
You forgot to add Kansas and Nebraska!:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on March 03, 2003, 04:01:44 PM
Close Enough For Government  

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
 


Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''  


A few clowns short of a circus.  
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
 




   
 
 

Employee of the Month  

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
 
 

First Class Blondie  

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
 




Policeman  


    What to not say to the nice policeman.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 03, 2003, 05:55:26 PM
I love the stupid ones!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: yoda_mon on March 04, 2003, 02:00:44 PM
Kansas is in there, Opie.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: yoda_mon on March 04, 2003, 02:02:50 PM
This is just too funny.

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/splish_splash2/splish_splash2.swf
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 05, 2003, 01:48:59 AM
Why is it that farts always smell worse after filtering through the water?

Just a thought.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on March 10, 2003, 12:40:16 PM
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on
the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
and
knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 11, 2003, 11:47:41 AM
Good one!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 11, 2003, 02:55:06 PM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
>  the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
>  with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
>  driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
>  In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>  stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
>  all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
>  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>
>  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
>      buy a new car.
>
>  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You
>     would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
>     windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you
>    could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
>      your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
>      have to reinstall the engine.
>
>  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>      five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
>      five percent of the roads.
>
>  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
>      be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
>      warning light.
>
>  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
>      and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
>      handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
>      how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
>      in the same manner as the old car.
>
>  10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on March 12, 2003, 11:10:04 AM
And could you imagine, if you change your spark plugs, oil filter, and air filter all at the same time, you'd have to call in to re-activate the engine..:lol:

[Edited on 3-12-2003 by Morpheus]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 12, 2003, 05:09:29 PM
A few jokes and quotes I recently received:  :D

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
   -Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
  - General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
  - "Stormin'" Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
  - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
  - Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
  - Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
  - Regis Philbiin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
  - P.J O'Rourke (1989)
 
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
  - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he   hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,  people."
  - Conan O'Brien

"I don't know  why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
  - Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
  - David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?  One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him."

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
:rolling
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on March 17, 2003, 10:59:55 AM
Peace Talks
 
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in
the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
 
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes
out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George
carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between
the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot
comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.
 
I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish
these talks in two weeks in Washington!"
 
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares
himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses
the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.
 
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again
nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed,
Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in
a fit of hysterics.
 
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
 
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on March 24, 2003, 01:08:42 PM
SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
 
March 4, 2003.
 
Today it was reported that a severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves.
 
According to  the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from  World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are
30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century.
 
May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!
 
PASS THIS AROUND! Maybe it will get to someone in France!!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on March 28, 2003, 09:42:42 AM
lot of jokes here...
 


 
A guy lives in a multi-story apartment building in downtown New York. One day it appeared to be raining outside, so he curiously poked his hand out the window and felt for rain drops. As he did so, something fell right into the palm of his hand.  He quizzically looked at the object and realized it was a glass eyeball. He instinctively thrusted his head out the window and looked up towards the sky to see an unusual site. A blonde haired woman was leaning over her window a few stories up.  She screamed down, "Excuse me? Could you please bring me my eyeball back upstairs?!!"  He agreed, and went upstairs to return her precious eye.  When she answered her door she was extremely grateful and invited him in for a drink.  He accepted the offer noticing she was quite attractive. They talked and enjoyed each others company for an hour or so, and she then asked if he wanted to stay for a nice dinner.  He was surprised at her genuine hospitality and accepted. After all, he was the hero of the day.   Dinner went just as well as before and they were certainly hitting it off.  She once again asked him another intriguing question. She said, "I was wondering if you would like to stay the night?"  To himself he was thinking how strange, and finally rustled up the courage to ask her, "This is weird, do you do this with every guy you meet!?"  She tasseled her hair and with a seductive look proclaimed, "Ohhhh no!! Only ones that catch my eye!"
 




Boy Scout Letter Home

Dear Mom & Dad

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.  We are OK.  Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?  I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.  Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Cole



YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM IDAHO IF......

 You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway!

You install security locks on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  Surgeon/Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Redneck-Poetry

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three Ladies in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!


The Hunting Trip

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,

"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes
later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was
quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the
skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when
the  wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss  or
scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks
crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them
with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

*What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away..

 

*If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is.... the nut behind the wheel!

 

*Two guys are out bowling. One says to the other, "With my wife, I'll never need a laxative."

"Because she makes you eat the right foods?" asks the other.

"No." Comes the reply. "Because she irritates the crap out of me!"


*What did the hillbilly get on his IQ test? Drool!

 

*What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 

*How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms.

Observations:

*When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

*People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Great Paint Job!

Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money, so she decided to go to a nice neighborhood and look for odd jobs.

At one nice house, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Sure I have a job for you. How would you like to paint my porch?"

"That sounds great!" said Julie.

"How much will it cost?" asked the man.

"Is fifty dollars all right?" Julie asked.

"That's fine." He replied. "You'll find the paint and brushes in the garage, just let me know when you're done." He said, and then went back into his house.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the man.

"You painted the whole porch already?" he queried her.

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

"Oh, and by the way," she said, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

 

Red Neck Jokes

*You might be a redneck if...Fewer than half of your cars run.

*You might be a redneck if...You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.

*You might be a redneck if...Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of chicken and a sixpack.

*You might be a redneck if...The theme song at your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places".

*You might be a redneck if...Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

*You might be a redneck if...You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

*You might be a redneck if...You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

*You might be a redneck if...Your gas cap is a rag.

*You might be a redneck if...The primary color of your car is "bondo".

*You might be a redneck if...The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road..."

*You might be a redneck if...You consider the styrofoam cooler one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Blonde Jokes

*She Was So Blonde That....she sold her car for gas money

*Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car.

*Why do blondes have sunroofs in their cars? More leg room!

*How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

*She Was So Blonde That.... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

 Misc Jokes

*Did you know......the best way for a wife to get her husband to give up golf is to play with him every day?

*...Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl?

*...If a man is too lazy to think for himself, he should get married?

*Yesterday's newspaper reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive..


[Edited on 3-28-2003 by [Lord] Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 01, 2003, 07:22:29 AM
Whoa!  that was a long list.  Some ofthose were really good!  A few were questionable, but most were really good! :lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on April 15, 2003, 01:05:18 AM
http://www.angelfire.com/nj2/sadiemay/drseussexplains.html
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on April 15, 2003, 12:14:01 PM
I love that one!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 15, 2003, 01:41:50 PM
http://welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 21, 2003, 04:50:22 PM
My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.

  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.  

  Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said “No.”

 I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me."

  Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?”

  “No,” he replied.

  I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.

  Soooooo….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

  Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…
 
  ”SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”

 While 20 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

 I was mortified!

 Some kindly elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

  Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time… I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on May 22, 2003, 01:34:36 AM
:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

That's one of the funniest things I have read in a while.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 22, 2003, 12:47:39 PM
That was sub'd to me by Mrs. ZW!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on May 27, 2003, 12:56:14 PM
This is a good one.........

http://crew.tweakers.net/JvS/zooi/realhussein.swf
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 27, 2003, 01:28:56 PM
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 27, 2003, 01:30:01 PM
BTW....
Ewok tastes like chicken!:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Fraggster on May 27, 2003, 02:30:45 PM
:drool:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: AMDGuy on May 27, 2003, 05:16:38 PM
What do you call 32 Hicks in one room? a Full set of teeth
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 27, 2003, 06:11:40 PM
Een then, it's not guaranteed!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Fraggster on May 27, 2003, 09:22:12 PM
Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
Een then, it's not guaranteed!
:rolling
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 02, 2003, 05:51:08 PM
ahhh Lord Rico takes a step back on his throne and spits out more jokes...


A lady and her baby...

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."








A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"





A Child's View of Retirement

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear nametags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.

There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.





ABC

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."





Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.







An APB On God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"






And In A Year I'll Be Five

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."




And Who Are These for, Little Boy?

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."






Anything But Cheerios

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'a$$'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your A$$ it's not gonna be Cheerios!''






Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.





Arkansas Scholars

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.


At Least I Know That You Were Thinking

A boy was in school and the teacher asks him, ''Bobby, what is round and red?'' Bobby says, ''A banana!'' The teacher says, ''No, Bobby, it's an apple, but at least I know that you were thinking.''
The teacher asks him again what is long and yellow and Bobby says, ''An apple!'' The teacher says, ''No Bobby, but at least you you were thinking.''

Bobby then looked down in his desk and asked the teacher, ''What is 4 inches long, yellow and has red on the tip?'' The teacher says, ''BOBBY!! Is that what I think it is? A penis?'' Bobby says, ''No, it's a match, but at least I know you were thinking!!''








Baby Talk

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"





Barbie's Christmas Beau

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."





Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"






Be Fruitful and Multiply

A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was greeted at the Golden Gate by St. Peter, who warmly shook his hand and asked him to sit down next to him.
Looking over the dead-beat Dad's file, St. Peter frowned and shook his head sadly. ''Your record looks fine, except for one glaring item. Why the hell didn't you pay child support for your six kids?''

The man jumped up. ''Child support?! All God said in Genesis was 'Be fruitful and multiply.' He didn't say nothin' about supporting them!''

St. Peter smirked: "That part of Genesis was God's Italian wife's recipe for marinated steak, buddy-- Beef, fruit, fuel, and a mallet apply.''







Bear and Toilet

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!





Bed Time

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''






Big Family

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''





Big Trouble

A 6'4'' ninth grader was acting up in class.
His teacher looked at him and said, ''Act your age, not your shoe size''.

The boy looks down at his size 14 shoes, then says, ''But they're the same.''






Birdy

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.

She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."






Blonde Boobies

Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!






Blonde in the Third Grade

Three third graders were walking down the street: a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde.
Which one had the best figure?

The blonde - she was 18.






Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''






Bombed Outta My Head

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."




10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.





3 Couples, 2 Compliments, 1 Adventure!

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.






60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?





An Ugly Position

What's the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.




Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''







Arkansas State Residency Application

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know




New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management



A Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."




A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.






Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the *&#$!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.





Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"




Bill Gates' Honeymoon

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.





Blonde Looking for a Job

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

''Yes.''




Blonde Loses Sweet Job

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"






Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!




Blonde Welfare

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!




Braggadocio

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."






Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."








Bumper Sticker Sayings


1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

30. You look like *&#$. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





C.E.O. D.U.M.B

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."






Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''






Dictaphone

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."






Disarming the Guard

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''






Dog Day Afternoon

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''

The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''





Double Entendres Out The Wazoo

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'







Executive Decision

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on hell," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."



Fishing For a Sale

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"




AND A HILARIOUS ENDING JOKE   (im sure some of you guys wanted to say this)



From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."






[Edited on 6-2-2003 by [Lord] Rico]

[Edited on 6-5-2003 by Wolverine of Ambush!]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 05, 2003, 12:26:14 PM
I think it's a new record for how long it took to read a post.  Man that was a long post!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Fraggster on June 08, 2003, 10:35:29 PM
i think so
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 28, 2003, 05:08:59 PM
um.. u didnt HAVE to read it all at once but if you were bored... i guess
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 28, 2003, 05:11:34 PM
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/subliminal.php



go through it all dont stop it just let it finish

ull know when its done
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 30, 2003, 10:13:34 AM
a bit racy...
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 11, 2003, 10:54:37 AM
[list=1]


:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on July 11, 2003, 09:29:42 PM
Now that is funny.  10 out of 10!!!:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 14, 2003, 06:53:48 AM
What's Red, White, and Blue, and runs?


A french flag.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on July 14, 2003, 10:49:54 AM
Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
[list=1]
  • Go to Google.com.
  • Type in (but don't hit return):  "weapons of mass destruction".
  • Hit the  "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search" button.
  • Read the error message carefully.


:lol


WOW you can get it on a T Shirt (http://www.cafeshops.com/wmd404)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on July 15, 2003, 11:09:10 AM
If you give a mom a muffin,
She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll pour herself some.
The coffee will get spilled by her three year old.
She'll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she will find some dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do some laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer,
She'll trip over some snow boots and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper for tonight.
She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger).
The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two year old.
She'll smell something funny.
She'll change the two year old.
While she is changing the two year old the phone will ring. (Of course!)
Her five year old will answer it and hang up.
She remembers that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee on Friday.
Thinking of coffee will reminder her that she was going to have a cup.
She will pour herself some.
And chances are,
If she has a cup of coffee.
Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 15, 2003, 12:43:46 PM
Tell the truth, you didn't write that...

Mrs. Morpheus did!

:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 15, 2003, 04:07:33 PM
For those of you who know consultants....
 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW rolled out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

 The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"  

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

 "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

 He asks the young man to select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

 The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 "You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

 "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;  to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...

Now give me back my dog."

:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on July 15, 2003, 11:46:32 PM
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!  It's Andy!!!!!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 17, 2003, 08:49:43 PM
Heck, I knew the diff, but do think I was willing to give up the sheepdog?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 22, 2003, 09:39:19 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

When the Angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."  So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. .....So God decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He        wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said? --  

No? ..........

I didn't get one either!!!

************************************************************

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."

So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, " 50 ."

The robot then said, "So, what's the Democratic Party up to these days?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on August 01, 2003, 10:08:15 AM
(http://members.cox.net/brad.simmons/penguin.gif)


[Edited on 8-25-2003 by Morpheus]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 06, 2003, 12:49:37 PM
Sent to me by Wolverine:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

:D:lol:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 06, 2003, 12:53:57 PM
From Mrs. ZW:

Q: Why did the blonde sniff Splenda?

A:  She thought it was Diet Coke!  :D

 ;)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 06, 2003, 04:41:23 PM
( third for the day! )

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on August 07, 2003, 04:09:50 AM
Here I sit same as ever, took a dump, pulled the lever. The water churned and overflowed, look out world it’s the mother load.....!!!

:lol:rolling:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 07, 2003, 05:35:39 PM
Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
From Mrs. ZW:

Q: Why did the blonde sniff Splenda?

A:  She thought it was Diet Coke!  :D

 ;)



:lol::x:cry::lol:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 11, 2003, 03:53:37 PM
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.  The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.  So he got a large stick and pushed.  Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.  Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why...

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on August 12, 2003, 01:38:20 PM
A VICAR goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly
parishioner. He notices a bowl of peanuts beside her
bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself
and eats one after another. By the time they have
finished talking, the bowl is empty. The vicar says,
"I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your
peanuts."

"That's okay," says the parishioner. "They would have
just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck
the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

:x
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 14, 2003, 09:17:32 AM
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,  "OK, Bubba how about
Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and
his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend
come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"George Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Senior or Junior?", Bubba asks.

His oss thinks a moment and aswers, "Junior."

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have
a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now,
but still not  totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the
guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with
the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.  But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His
boss looks up and says,  "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out
on the balcony and the man next to me said,  "Who's that on the balcony
with Bubba?"

:D:lol:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 15, 2003, 11:22:42 AM
( Gotta love when your boss sends you material! )

 
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanical problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

 Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 19, 2003, 06:28:20 PM
Only Dog owners can really appreciate a letter like this....but make sure you read all the way to the end. :-)

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to ! sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on August 25, 2003, 10:46:12 AM
Some people just can't get enough FRAG!!!!  Opie is this your new remodel project?



(http://members.cox.net/brad.simmons/toilet.jpg)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on August 25, 2003, 11:25:07 AM
Watch where you are driving! (http://members.cox.net/brad.simmons/DOH.mpe)

[Edited on 8-25-2003 by Morpheus]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 25, 2003, 04:47:05 PM
How did you get into my basement?

Quote
Originally posted by Morpheus
Some people just can't get enough FRAG!!!!  Opie is this your new remodel project?



(http://members.cox.net/brad.simmons/toilet.jpg)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 26, 2003, 10:55:09 AM
(http://www.ambush.us/images/misc/oregonli_1.jpg)

[Edited on 8-26-2003 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Zeet on August 26, 2003, 01:48:45 PM
Yea well here's a business that I can't figure out why they went out of business???

<img src="/images/misc/poopshop.jpg" alt="The Poop Shop" border="0">
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on September 14, 2003, 01:04:37 AM
(Computer Related Jokes)


A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a
bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked
why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ''Well, all of those
models are very scarce Miss, you're lucky we even have any in stock.''

''Scarce?'' she said, her voice rising. ''Why just today the paper says all of the
manufacturers have an overstock.''

''Exactly right.'' the salesman smiled. ''There's such a big supply and so little
demand, it doesn't pay to ship them.''  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of the best humor is real-to-life. This story was related to me yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real
phone call he received from the church secretary last week.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where

you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started
messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in the
world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} Well...what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons
for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, impatiently waiting for her husband to get off the computer asks in a frenzy of madness.

"Why is a modem any better than a woman?!"
The man, sitting up, did not have to think at all.
"Well, dear, the answer is right under your nose."
He said, patting the
CPU. "You see, the modem doesn't complain
if I sit here and play games,
A modem doesn't mind if I talk to other modems,
a modem doesn't have
purse it can hit you with when it gets mad.
And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is
that a modem comes with an instruction manual."  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:


Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.




Advice For Idiots

 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental,Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the
free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when
using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a true story.... A man called in to tech support for his internet service and explained to the technician that everytime he got on the Internet, he got shocked. The tech first thought that maybe he was just surprised, but the man actually meant he was SHOCKED. The tech troubleshoot for a little over an hour to try and find out what the problem was. Finally the man told the tech that everytime I get on the Internet, I get shocked...when I lick the monitor with pictures of nude women. Needless to say the tech had to disconnect the call because he was laughing too much to continue the conversation.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young lady flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?" I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner trying awful hard to keep a straight face. I asked her how the plastic got in the drive. "Oh, you mean the condom? Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it to prevent it from catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked, "Does that mean that I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on September 14, 2003, 01:09:40 AM
31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on September 14, 2003, 01:15:38 AM
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on September 14, 2003, 01:20:56 AM
Another Windows/M$ Joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."






The Ten Commandments of DOS

I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .

Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .

Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .

Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on September 21, 2003, 09:20:33 PM
i just checked my email and my mom sent me a link so when i get bored i just screw around with it -- my mom said she tried makin it do sommersaults


http://www.electronicorphanage.com/neen/demo/clinger.swf
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on October 11, 2003, 10:09:04 AM
Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 21, 2003, 11:15:26 PM
Rumored Corporate Mergers
 
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems.  This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

    Failed merger:  Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

    Proposed merger:   Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

    Rumored merger:   Wurlitzer with Xerox.  They are going to market reproductive organs.

    Possible merger:   Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

    3M and Goodyear merger:   mmmGood

    John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

    Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da

    Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese

    Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

    Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts

    Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck

    White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 24, 2003, 11:29:49 AM
"The Computer Hillbillies"

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations!..

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought himself some donuts and moved to  the valley...
Silicon, that is... Intel... Pentium ...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him some more donuts and they sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

So the weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules were slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was so simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

The months turned to years and his hair was turning gray.
Ol' Jed was working hard while his life it slipped away.
He was waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to when you're told,
Companies will use you up and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start up your own firm,
Beat the competition, and watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 30, 2003, 04:45:09 PM
(http://www.ambush.us/images/misc/drunkpumpkin.jpg)

'nuff said!:D

(freaking codes!!!)

[Edited on 10-30-2003 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 10, 2003, 11:10:06 AM
Hillbilly Birth Control

After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 "Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:


 1

 2

 3

 4

 5


 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 10, 2003, 02:08:07 PM
roflol:rolling
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 10, 2003, 04:27:57 PM
>
>.You know you're a redneck when:
>
>1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
>more teeth than your spouse.
>
>2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at
>the dinner table in front of her kids.
>
>3. You've been married three times and still
>have the same in-laws.
>
>4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
>bowls on a different night.
>
>5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
>
>6. You wonder how service stations keep
>their restrooms so clean.
>
>7. Anyone in your family ever died right after
>saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
>
>8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>
>9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
>
>10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
>
>11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner
>are, "Gentlemen start your engines!"
>
>12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
>exploded right off its wheels.
>
>13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
>depending on how much gas is in it.
>
>14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
>
>15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>
>16. You need one more hole punched in your card to
>get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>
>17. You can't get married to your sweetheart
>because there's a law against it.
>
>18. You think loading a dishwasher means
>getting your wife drunk.
>
>19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
>
>20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your
>girlfriend hits the floor.
>
>21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and
>they all say Cool Whip on the side.
>
>22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
>
>23. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
>
>24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
>
>25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
>26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride
>out in front of the K-Mart.
>
>27. If your neighbors think you're a detective
>because a cop always brings you home.
>
>28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does
>$100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
>
>29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back
>scratchier. (Now that's just WRONG!)
>
>30. If you've ever asked the preacher
>"How's it hangin?"
>
>31. If you missed 5th grade graduation
>because you had jury duty.
>
>32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
>
>33. If somebody tells you that you've got something
>in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
>
>34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange
>juice because it said concentrate.
>
>35 If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
>
>36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are funny.
>
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 10, 2003, 04:28:48 PM
> > >   --A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --A snail can sleep for three years.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
>Memorial
>on
> > > the
> > > > > back of the $5 bill.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Almonds are a member of the peach family.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until the
> > child
> > > > > reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Butterflies taste with their feet.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds!  .
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Dogs only have about 10.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
>"mt".
> > > > >
> > > > >   --February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
>have
>a
> > > full
> > > > > moon.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been
>domesticated.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --If the population of China walked past you, in single file,
>the
> > line
> > > > > would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will
>spend
> > > an
> > > > > average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
>silver,
> > > or
> > > > > purple.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
>Parliament
> > > > > building is an American flag.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
> > ears
> > > > > never stop growing.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Peanuts are one of the ingredients!   of dynamite.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left
>hand;
> > > > > "lollipop" with your right.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says
> > there
> > > > > were three gifts.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon
>of
> > > diesel
> > > > > that it burns.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
>radar
> > tube
> > > > and
> > > > > a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
>uses
> > > every
> > > > > letter of the alphabet.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze
>completely
> > > > > solid.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether
>they
> > > are
> > > > > read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are more chickens than people in the world.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are only four words in the !  English language which end
>in
> > > > > "dous":
> > > > >   tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There are two words in the English language that have all five
> > > vowels
> > > > in
> > > > > order "abstemious" and "facetious."
> > > > >
> > > > >   --There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
>letters
> > > only
> > > > > on one row of the keyboard.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
> > > > >
> > > > >   --Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two
>weeks;
> > > > > otherwise it will digest itself.
> > > > >>
>
>
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 11, 2003, 10:06:34 AM
Glad those were short posts!:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 12, 2003, 03:45:40 PM
Good ones!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 12, 2003, 04:10:30 PM
Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
(Benton County News Tribune on 17th of November, 1999).

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"Remember, Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember guns don't kill people, doctors do!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 13, 2003, 04:17:25 PM
THAT was a good one.....loved it:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 14, 2003, 01:36:52 PM
Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
(Benton County News Tribune on 17th of November, 1999).

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

"Remember, Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor."

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

Remember guns don't kill people, doctors do!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 14, 2003, 01:51:09 PM
Well, it was funnier the first time, but Good one Z!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 14, 2003, 01:56:44 PM
Geez, we're 6 pages in, gimme a break.  That's a lot of material to check.:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 14, 2003, 02:48:12 PM
BRAVO!  ENCORE!  BRAVO!   ENCORE!

Do it again!   Again I say!   ROFLOL :) :) :)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 18, 2003, 05:38:39 PM
(http://www.ambush.us/images/misc/THEY-FOUND-NEMO.jpg)

Thanks to Wolvy for this one!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 19, 2003, 12:47:56 PM
My daughter saw that and screamed.  It was about the funniest reaction I have ever seen.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 19, 2003, 01:08:36 PM
Glad we could be of assistance in your torture of young minds.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on November 20, 2003, 10:35:41 AM
so, two guys walked into a bra...
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 20, 2003, 02:46:19 PM
and the first one looked at other and said...
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 22, 2003, 05:42:46 PM
and said... "Did we really walk into a bra togather?"




I dont know why but after 10 minutes of this i started to laugh

http://www.revelate-rock.com/elasticbaby.html
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on November 24, 2003, 09:53:22 AM
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?! Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 24, 2003, 12:37:11 PM
Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:

"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.

Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Finally he got to the food.

"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."

And then he paused.

The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.

Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 25, 2003, 12:58:56 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead
outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water
and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger
turned toTonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and
see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel
better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around
Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned
to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who
owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...


(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)


"Nothin', but you left your Injun running."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 07, 2003, 05:32:48 PM
A HusbandMart opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says, "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And
again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 --- You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 10, 2003, 11:59:55 AM
How test your friends "geekness"...

http://www.inktank.com/AT/index.cfm?nav=928

[Edited on 2-11-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Fraggster on December 10, 2003, 12:41:44 PM
Quote
Originally posted by Wolverine of Ambush!"Nothin', but you left your Injun running."
LMFAO, that was good:lol:eek::lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 16, 2003, 07:52:15 PM
And now the joys of Bawls requests!

http://www.reallifecomics.com/daily.php?strip_id=861
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on December 16, 2003, 08:22:28 PM
"Who's up for some board chow?"

Only a true master geek will know of that reference.

Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
How test your friends "geekness"...

http://www.inktank.com/ATpage.cfm?toon=07-08-03
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on December 16, 2003, 08:23:44 PM
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
And now the joys of Bawls requests!

http://www.reallifecomics.com/daily.php?strip_id=861
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on December 16, 2003, 09:09:58 PM
mmmmmm balll
I mean
mmm bawls
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 17, 2003, 08:31:20 AM
badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom (http://weeble.fluent.ltd.uk/toons/21/)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on December 17, 2003, 09:04:17 AM
[size=12]SNAKE!!!!![/size]

[Edited on 12-17-2003 by Morpheus]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on December 17, 2003, 09:08:33 AM
been a couple months since I've done the board chow thing....what fond memories
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on December 17, 2003, 09:31:54 AM
:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 17, 2003, 05:55:57 PM
No comment...:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on December 19, 2003, 03:42:35 AM
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, the company hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers and make a name for himself. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them all know that he means business.

Everyone watches as the CEO walks up to the guy and asks loudly, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"  The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"  With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the delivery guy from Domino's."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Fraggster on December 19, 2003, 04:04:59 PM
Quote
Originally posted by opiesilver
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, the company hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers and make a name for himself. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them all know that he means business.

Everyone watches as the CEO walks up to the guy and asks loudly, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"  The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"  With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the delivery guy from Domino's."
 
lmao, sounds like the state:rolling
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 20, 2003, 10:12:14 AM
The State of Confusion!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 02, 2004, 09:00:35 AM
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate"?

 Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,

Saddam Hussein
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 19, 2004, 01:33:17 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"


The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."


"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you very dumb.  Someone has stolen tent".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Zeet on May 19, 2004, 01:55:12 PM
Hey if everyone in the country drove Pink automobiles what would you call that country??? 8/
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 19, 2004, 03:26:01 PM
Mary(Kay)-land?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Zeet on May 19, 2004, 10:31:56 PM
It's a PINK Car-Nation!!!
:lol:lol:lol:lol:):):):cry::cry::cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on May 19, 2004, 11:35:08 PM
pink lemonades home
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 20, 2004, 08:53:24 AM
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.

They weren't working.... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people
couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


3. How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.


4. How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.


5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?


6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder
company.


7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you

(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?


8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

 Sue.


9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.


10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

'Senator.'


11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

'Your Honor.'


12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.


13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?

His personality.


14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)


15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Removable wing tips.


17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.


18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?

Chelsea Clinton

[Edited on 5-20-2004 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on May 20, 2004, 02:55:15 PM
That Reminds my I gatta call my Law firm;
Dewy, Cheetem, anhow
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on May 20, 2004, 08:47:32 PM
ooo oo i got one:
how do you now if it is cold out?
if the lawer has his hand in is own pocket
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 21, 2004, 04:05:37 PM
I do not have any recollection of that date.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on May 21, 2004, 10:07:10 PM
AHHHHHHH!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on May 28, 2004, 12:38:21 PM
(http://members.cox.net/jrfrancl/Images/ssbw.bmp)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 28, 2004, 11:14:12 PM
It's Tux Dodgers in the 32-bit system!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on May 29, 2004, 01:19:11 AM
Puffer (http://members.cox.net/nerbilaqm/Puffers/Puffers.wmv)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on May 29, 2004, 12:40:47 PM
Let me guess You own some?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 02, 2004, 04:17:13 PM
Nope, HE IS ONE!!!  :lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 02, 2004, 04:30:54 PM
Not sure if this posted before or not:


A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

 Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.   I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

 The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64?!  "What the heck did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a  boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 06, 2004, 07:46:28 PM
Plan out your lies!


At the University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an A so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to campus until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.
They studied that night for the exam.
He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, they thought this is going to be easy.
Then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 06, 2004, 10:34:16 PM
Ewwww, That's just WRONG!  :eek:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on June 07, 2004, 05:12:07 PM
Ouch!:cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 09, 2004, 12:14:54 AM
What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 30, 2004, 08:43:03 AM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?


A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on July 06, 2004, 07:26:47 PM
More laughter from me :bounce:


BUMPER STICKERS!!!!

Jesus loves you, but I think your a pUNK!

Zero to RoadRage in 60 seconds.


Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!


I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!


It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.


A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


Don't blame me! I didn't vote!


If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!



Hang Up And Drive!

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This car is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.


"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING

Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often

If your cute,single,and rich, HONK!

If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.



My wife's other car is a broom.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with BS.

Constipated people don't give a crap.


If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.




If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.




If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.


I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

I love cats...dead ones.

I don't have an attitude problem...You have a perception problem.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.


I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I'm in the pits!

Can't sleep, clown will eat me; Can't sleep, clown will eat me......


Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!





If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.



I cant remember if I'm the good twin or the bad one.

I just want revenge. Is that so bad?


I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

So many cats.....so few recipes.





Some great ways to annoy people at work...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.





You know its going to be a bad day ahead when...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

You wake up to realize your waterbed broke and then discover you don't have a waterbed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You call your answering service and they tell you it's non of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts in one eye.


Sayings you'd like to see on those office inspirational posters...

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work - it isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.




Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the butt.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.





BUSINESS RULES


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, wherE is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

 


The longer you're part of the corporate work force, the more humorous this area becomes.

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew!  Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related   stress."

"Damn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

" ... in Jesus' name.  Amen."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on July 07, 2004, 02:39:12 AM
Very Funny Stuff!
And I now award (A!)Rico With...*Drum Roll* The Longest Post award.:clap:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on July 07, 2004, 07:05:29 AM
Look in a mirror  :P
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 07, 2004, 02:14:24 PM
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by.

The professor kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy, so He sent me."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 07, 2004, 02:17:09 PM
A college class was led by an atheist professor, and every day he'd stand in front of his class and say, "Have you ever seen God?" to which nobody would answer. Then he'd ask, "Have you ever felt God?" and nobody would answer. Finally he'd ask, "Have you ever heard God?" and, like the other times, nobody would answer. He then would say, "It is obvious that there is no God."

One day a Christian student had been having an extremely bad day; her car broke down, her mother was sick, her boyfriend was out of town, and she'd gotten a bad grade on one of her exams. She had been fed up with her professor's little act every morning, so she decided to do something about it.

While the professor stood up at the beginning of class and did his thing, the student had an idea. She got up and said, "Professor, would you mind if I said something?" He said, "Of course not. This is an expressive classroom, and I think it would be fine if you spoke your mind."

The girl said to the class, "Have you ever seen our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Then she asked, "Have you ever felt our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Finally she asked, "Have you ever heard our professor's brain?" and, like the other times, nobody answered.

She then said, "It is quite obvious that our professor has no brain."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: (A!)Rico on October 05, 2004, 10:26:08 AM
Home sick with a sore throat  :;(:



  1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

  2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

  3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

  4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

  5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

  6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

  7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

  8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

  9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

  10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
  They're both dogs!

  11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

  12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

  13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

  14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

  15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

  16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

  17. Stop singing and read on...

  18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

  19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

  20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

  21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
 Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale  bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

 "Darling," he says."I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

 The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says,"I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
 
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says.............. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.


1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

7. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...
 Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

8. How can men sit on their butts all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

9. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

10. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

11. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

12. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

13. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

14. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...... buying? I HAVE TO REALLY AGREE WITH THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GREAT TRUTHS

  GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the  second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1)  You believe in Santa Claus.

2)  You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3)  You are Santa Claus.

4)  You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:


At age  4  success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . hav ing a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend/boyfriend that thinks you're really good looking      

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend/boyfriend that thinks you're really good looking

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM

1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up, must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.

In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

On a convenience gas station/restaurant:
KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and knock your head off!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge.  

Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally... Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years
you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.

"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about
halfway over the bridge, looked up...

TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!

"Rufus!" cried to the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!


Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old?  You may enjoy this short story.
 

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
 
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
 
"Yes," he replied.
 
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
 
He answered, "In 1971.  Why?"
 
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
 
He looked at me closely and then the son of a Gun asked, "What did you teach?"





ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them


COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give them all a cow.

*cleaned up the format and the language ;) -ZW *

Thanks, just keeping you guys on your toes
[Edited on 10-5-2004 by ZWarrior]:wavey:

[Edited on 10-5-2004 by (A!)Rico]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 05, 2004, 12:56:15 PM
A church needed it's steeple painted. Because of the danger no reputable painter would take the job.

The church hired a couple of handymen to do the job. They were doing okay until near the end when they started to run low on paint. They didn't want to pay for more paint so since it was latex they thinned it with water.

As they put on the finishing touches it started pouring rain, ruining the paint job.

A voice boomed out of the clouds, "Repaint And Thin No More".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 05, 2004, 02:57:58 PM
booooo!  hisssssssssssssss!:cry::shame:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 05, 2004, 03:00:18 PM
:D lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on October 06, 2004, 01:39:47 AM
Oh man, that was bad.............
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 06, 2004, 09:43:37 AM
Todays joke:

  The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven´s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

  After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success.

  The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 06, 2004, 10:35:20 AM
Moans!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 06, 2004, 11:34:55 AM
:cry: I won't ever get that minute back. Thanks!:rolleyes:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on October 06, 2004, 02:10:05 PM
:x
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 07, 2004, 08:28:52 AM
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 07, 2004, 08:29:32 AM
It'sa 2-fer day!

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 08, 2004, 02:18:44 PM
Here is a story about the Frugal Gourmet's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cuisine in Italy, France and Germany , but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

 Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monastery, and thus the Frugal gourmet would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers. The Frugal Gourmet quickly ran down the street to the monastery and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, the Frugal Gourmet asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."

The brother replied, "No, I'm the Chip Monk."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 08, 2004, 03:51:25 PM
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 09, 2004, 12:30:26 AM
one day i awoke and you were not by my side....every thing got dark the room started to stink and rot......than the dog rolled off my face
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on October 09, 2004, 01:05:39 PM
You snauzed!!!!:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 09, 2004, 02:03:07 PM
Three men are walking down the street. as they come around the corner two of the men walk in to a bar. The third one ducks.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 10, 2004, 10:19:52 PM
Monday's Jokes! (beat this ZWarrior)
-------------------------------------------------------------

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a
Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?


A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get  From a Pampered
 Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a  Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a
Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 11, 2004, 10:10:20 AM
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

*********************************

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

*********************************

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

*********************************

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

*********************************

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


*********************************


I believe that meets your challenge and then some. ;)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 11, 2004, 10:11:14 AM
For good measure:

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 11, 2004, 12:09:37 PM
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench...

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 11, 2004, 12:19:33 PM
Wow! A blonde joke that doubles as a pun as well!

Sounds like it was a Nebraska game too.  :D

*ducks into a bunker to avoid the incoming flames*
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 11, 2004, 12:20:48 PM
Here is my counter joke:

http://www.wowt.com/sports/headlines/1088666.html

:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 11, 2004, 12:32:50 PM
:D:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 11, 2004, 01:51:08 PM
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."

********************************


There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the roopes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

*********************************

A fellow got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.

The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town. When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.

The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."

"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.

Grace said: "That's my charge."

So the guy gave her $20 bill and went on his way. The next morning when he got up he went to the mirror and looked and his face was as smooth as when he was shaved the day before. He checked the following the day, same thing, a week went by, two weeks and his face stayed as smooth as a baby's face.

Finally after the third week he stopped back in the barber shop and Grace happened to be there. The guy said to her: "Grace, I can't believe I still don't need another shave. You did some kind of magnificent job."

And Grace replied, "Well, you have been shaved by Grace and once shaved always shaved!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 12, 2004, 08:56:26 AM
Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 13, 2004, 12:29:50 PM
He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members.

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death.

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to Tipperary".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 13, 2004, 10:24:07 PM
:;(:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 14, 2004, 12:12:39 AM
:rolleyes:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 14, 2004, 04:42:17 PM
Oh, ya liked that one huh?

**********************
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 14, 2004, 05:04:16 PM
You know I am really starting to wonder about you and your joke. Aye ye ye ye ye!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 14, 2004, 06:58:55 PM
i concur jolly
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 15, 2004, 08:43:30 AM
Well, here's another for you... ;)
************************************

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven´s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.


GO YANKEES!!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 15, 2004, 10:16:53 AM
Ok so you add Go YAnkees which made that Joke a little funnier, but you already told that one.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 16, 2004, 12:33:23 AM
YOU SNAUZED!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 22, 2004, 09:25:44 AM
how about this one...

Luke and Opie had been good friends for a long time. Luke had recently had some business successes and was quite well off. With his new found wealth he bought a boat and named it "The Fourth of July." To celebrate his new found wealth Luke invited Opie to spend a day out on the lake with him.

Opie however was late because he had to take his wife to the obstetrician, his cousin Juan. He consequently was late in getting to the lake.

Meanwhile back on "The Fourth of July" Luke was feeling no pain, he had thrown back a few and was quite tipsy when Opie finally arrived. When he saw Opie walking down the dock he jumped up and lost his balance and started to fall face first into the dock. Luckily Opie rushed over and caught Luke.

Thus it was that O.B. Juan's kin Opie saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.


I should note, I changed NOTHING in that joke, it really did have those names when I got it.  :clap:

[Edited on 10-22-2004 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on October 22, 2004, 09:31:30 AM
:x
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 25, 2004, 03:41:40 PM
The Enterprise was traveling through space, when Mr. Sulu said, "Captain Kirk, sensors reveal that we will soon be entering a wide expanse of space in which there are no planets for at least 20 light-years."

"No big deal. Let's go where no man has gone before."

So they traveled at warp five and saw no planets, suns comets or asteroids for a week. The crew was getting stir-crazy when Mr. Chekhov said that there was a single sun with a single planet coming up. When they got there, they were greeted warmly by the inhabitants. All of the crew had questions on various subjects. Then one of the crew's linguists asked how the inhabitants got their name, Fuhgarwians.

A chief said, "We were being conquered by Klingons, Romulans, The Borg and other races, so we decided to leave our old planet and headed on a course of 141 mark 22. As luck would have it, we came upon this expanse much in the way that you did, and we finally found this planet, with the blessings of the space deities. All our great chiefs, sages, scientists, philosophers, and shamans investigated this place, with great results. But the one over-riding, unanswered question they all had, including the stellar cartographers and astronomers, was: 'Where in the Fuhgarwi?'"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 25, 2004, 05:05:27 PM
:rolleyes:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 27, 2004, 12:33:50 PM
Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 27, 2004, 04:08:47 PM
:)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on October 27, 2004, 04:13:54 PM
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers!  What
beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to look.
He saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over
his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.  He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out:

"Oh, my God! ...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky:

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach
others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to
treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make
the BEAR a Christian?"

From the light, the voice replied: "Very well."

Then the light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive for
the nourishment of my body through Christ our Lord.
Amen."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 27, 2004, 04:46:55 PM
:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 28, 2004, 09:46:01 AM
oldie but goodie!:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 28, 2004, 09:58:19 AM
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 28, 2004, 10:00:54 AM
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on October 28, 2004, 10:01:37 AM
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 28, 2004, 11:42:02 AM
Cute...

**********************

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 28, 2004, 11:43:22 AM
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA NO!:rolleyes:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 28, 2004, 02:12:48 PM
:;(: umm, Honestly that one truly eluded me.

[Edited on 10-28-2004 by [303]JollyRoger]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 28, 2004, 03:35:37 PM
What is the Boy Scout motto?

"Be Prepared"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on October 28, 2004, 04:19:39 PM
That was so bad I just had to comment.:cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 28, 2004, 08:03:21 PM
Excuse me wihile I repeatedlly smash my face in to the wall.

I was even a scout, and I didn't even catch that.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on October 28, 2004, 11:00:23 PM
well you are slow.........extreamly
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 29, 2004, 10:34:29 AM
at least i am not 10 min Snauz,
BTW, it wasn't untill I read it out load that I got it.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 09, 2004, 10:48:04 AM
A Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
       
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
       
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
       
The Native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 09, 2004, 12:33:18 PM
unfortunatly, that joke isn't far from the truth!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 09, 2004, 01:41:08 PM
Trust me, I know that.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 10, 2004, 12:08:45 PM
He's got some experience...........:clap:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 10, 2004, 10:23:59 PM
I've shot that bull a few times. ;)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on November 11, 2004, 08:36:33 AM
Im a bull?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 11, 2004, 11:05:28 AM
wrong bull Snauz.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 12, 2004, 12:03:58 AM
He may be full of it though!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 12, 2004, 12:35:51 AM
more then just, "it".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 12, 2004, 10:27:17 AM
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink.

Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story? . . .

You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 15, 2004, 02:52:39 PM
Long one, watch the language at the end:

A number of years ago there lived on Long Island, a wealthy business man who had made and lost a couple of fortunes on Wall Street in his short 29 years. At the time of this story, the business man was enjoying his third fortune and had taken a year off from work.

His mother had recently died and one day while he was exploring some old chests in the attic of the huge farmhouse in the Adirondack Mountains near Lake Placid, he came across a map that was obviously very, very old. Something striking about the he map immediately caught his attention.

After studying the map for several days, the business man became convinced that this was indeed an authentic map to the fabled Seven Cities of Cybolla. Persistent stories handed down from generation to generation told of a fabulously wealthy circle of seven cities whose exact location had been lost somewhere in the deep, dark jungles of Africa and had never been found.

These stories also told of fabulous stores of jewels, gold and priceless artifacts that still existed for anyone who could locate the seven cities.

The business man was determined to be the first to find the Seven Cities of Cybolla and to claim its treasures, so he confided in two of his closest friends and persuaded them to join him.

Together, they sailed to Africa, rode overland for four days and found themselves in the small town of Aba on the border of the deepest jungles in what was once the country of Belgian Congo. There they organized a safari of 25 native porters carrying food, clothing, supplies and large, empty boxes with which to carry the treasures out of the jungle.

Early the next morning, a line of native porters led by the three Americans headed out into the jungles. Travel was slow in the intense heat and humidity of the tropical forest, particularly as they had to literally cut every inch of their path by swinging huge machetes to clear away the vines and undergrowth. For four days of grueling travel, following the markings on the old map, the safari made its way across swollen rivers, through mosquito infested swamps and past many alligator nests.

At high noon on the fifth day, while the safari was resting from its exhausting work, the group suddenly heard a terrifying sound off in the distance in the direction in which the safari was headed.

"Foo! Foo! Foo!" was the sound.

The members of the safari looked at each other, unsure what was making such a shrieking, ungodly sound.

All of a sudden, there appeared in the air directly over the group, a huge, black bird, screaming at a deafening level, "Foo! Foo! Foo!" In one swoop, the Foo Bird took aim at the first of the three Americans at the head of the safari, dove headlong through the air at near supersonic speed in a dive bombing run so well executed that any military pilot would have been impressed, and completely covered the man with crap. It was a terrible, vile smelling mess!

The poor man quickly ran to the edge of the nearby stream, dove in and immediately began to scrub away at the disgusting crap. After an hour of hard work, the majority of the stuff had been washed away and the man felt he was ready to move on again.

That night, while everyone else was sleeping, the man died.

The rest of the expedition were truly saddened by the death of the man, but the two remaining American organizers decided that they should continue on in spite of this tragedy. They were sure their friend would have wanted it that way and besides, now the treasure now only had to be split two ways.

Before long they were on their way, hacking their path through the jungle after they had properly buried the body of their friend. Unfortunately they had not gone too far when once again they heard the sounds of the approaching Foo Bird. "Foo!. Foo! Foo!"

The safari members began to run for cover but it was too late and the huge Foo Bird suddenly appeared at the head of the line of running people, took aim at the American in the lead, and dumped a tremendous load which covered the man from head to foot.

It was excruciating to the poor man but as he raced to the stream to wash the terrible mess off, he stopped, remembered that the first man had died after he had cleaned away the very same kind of crap.

Perhaps, he reasoned, there was a connection between washing and his unfortunate death.

With that, the second man returned to the group, determined not to take a bath as long as he could stand it.

That determination lasted for nearly a week when finally , it became so unbearable in appearance, smell and discomfort that the man finally gave in.

He went to the stream and cleaned the mess from his body.

Later that night, while everyone else was sleeping, he died.

The business man who had initiated the safari was very sad because he had lost two of his closest friends, but decided to continued because he knew his friends would have wanted him to. Besides, the treasure would be his alone with no need to share it with anyone else!

The next morning he climbed to the top of the a hill and to his amazement, there at his feet, lay a lush, tropical valley and the Seven Cities of Cybolla glittering in all their glory. The business man rushed down the hill, along the banks of the river and made his way to the entrance of the cities. As he ran deliriously through the streets of the cities he yelled "They are mine It's all mine!"

He yelled so loudly and was so overwhelmed at his unbelievable discovery that he didn't hear the approaching Foo Bird. The gigantic bird took aim at the business man and as accurately as in his first two attacks, smartly deposited the largest load of crap yet on the man running through the empty streets.

The stunned man stopped and was about to rush to the stream to wash the mess off when he realized that it would be certain and immediate death in the night to do so. He sadly realized that he had discovered the worlds richest treasures, but had also been given the cross of isolation at the same time.

To make a very long story somewhat shorter, the business man did claim all the wealth of the Seven Cities of Cybolla, returned to America and lived a very long life in all the luxury his unmeasured wealth could afford.

However, he enjoyed his wealth as a lonely, isolated man.

His wife, his children, his family and his friends disowned him because of the absolutely disgusting appearance and stench of the man because of the crap. They did not understand why he refused to wash the mess and clean himself.

After many, lonely years, he neared death. Realizing he had only a few more days to live, the business man decided he wanted more than anything else to see his wife and children again.

Carefully, he went into the shower with steel wool cleaning pads and a chisel.

It took him most of the day, but he was clean and ready to greet his family at the door when they arrived for dinner. He spent a wonderful evening sharing with the family, catching up on all the news and local gossip, and finally they left.

Later that night, the business man died.

Now I would not have imposed upon your time and attention without having a purpose. I am very sensitive to the value of time and am determined to make the time you have given to this story worthwhile. My goal in telling this story is to draw from the experience of this heroic and fabulously wealthy man and learn so that we might become better and more mature individuals.

I believe the true message of this story is in fact, a moral with deep meaning for us all:

"If the Foo sh#ts, wear it."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 15, 2004, 09:27:22 PM
The division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented simply to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Conservatives and Liberals.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This is where the split begins.  Those men motivated and skilled enough to hunt became the conservatives. The men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting became the liberals.

Liberals learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. Hence, the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest simply became known as 'girleymen'.

Some of the most noteworthy liberal achievements in history include the domestication of cats, the formation of trade union, and the invention of group therapy & group hugs.  The most notable liberal invention was the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  While liberals became symbolized by the jackass. Coincidence?

Today, modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note is that most liberal women actually have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Those conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing for mankind. They like to "govern", so they can decide what to do with the meat and beer the conservatives produce. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were migrating to America.

Liberals then crept into the US after the Wild West was tame by conservatives.  Now, they spend all of their time in America trying to get as much as possible from conservatives while doing as little as possible for themselves.

That's today's lesson in world history.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 15, 2004, 10:46:50 PM
HEY!!!

I drink imported beer, but I am definitely not a liberal nut job.

Now gimme my gun and ammo, it's time for some huntin'

Here Opie Opie!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 16, 2004, 12:41:05 AM
Mmmm, Imported beer.
Liberal Nut Jobs! I'll Show you a Liberal Nut Job, Hermans Nut House down on Grover!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 16, 2004, 10:38:18 AM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties:

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Carolina. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but, the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the
table.

The third man married a Texas girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out
of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat,
load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 16, 2004, 01:03:51 PM
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams.

To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride.

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.

He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 16, 2004, 02:13:17 PM
:x:x:x:x:x
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 17, 2004, 08:11:43 AM
Do we have a humpday Joke.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2004, 08:50:12 AM
Here, this should hold you over...


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 17, 2004, 10:22:28 AM
:;(: Awh, Common you can come up with a more worse then that.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2004, 02:21:13 PM
A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.

The official apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on November 17, 2004, 02:23:26 PM
Could it really get any worse?  No more PLEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2004, 02:23:46 PM
and the third for the day....


There was a Russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife were walking along and it began to snow.

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

Rudolph went to the palace guard and said, "is it raining or snowing?"

The guard was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, Rudolph?"

Rudolph replied, "raining."

The guard said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on November 17, 2004, 02:32:27 PM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally,John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot  squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with  my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

                HAPPY  THANKSGIVING!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2004, 02:53:51 PM
And here is today's official POTD:

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first -- sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang, … "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 17, 2004, 04:33:09 PM
A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very
rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the
gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available. Reflecting on their problem, the park
administrator thought of FreddieStanden,
a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's
cages.

Freddie, like most rednecks, had little sense,
but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Freddie was approached with a proposition:
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for$500.00?

Freddie showed some interest, but said he would
have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Freddie announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Freddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Freddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist."

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Freddie stated
"You've got to give me another week to come up
with the $500."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 17, 2004, 04:33:46 PM
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 17, 2004, 04:34:30 PM
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blond in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blond that she paid for economy and that he will have to sit in the back.
The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here.The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and she won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blond and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blond replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here. The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting to arrest this blond woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blond? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blond. I speak blond." He goes back to the blond and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked what he said that made her move without any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 17, 2004, 04:35:18 PM
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.00. So they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."   On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250.00 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied. 2. There was plenty of heat. 3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.  Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply..... Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 18, 2004, 12:37:03 PM
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 18, 2004, 08:29:38 PM
Nice! I actually got a chuckle from that one.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on November 19, 2004, 10:41:24 AM
A man walks into a doctors office with a banana sticking out of one ear, a cucumber sticking out the other ear, and a carrot sticking out of his nose.  When the doctor walked into the room and saw him he immediately knew what was wrong and said..."I can see your not eating right."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 22, 2004, 01:22:06 PM
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 22, 2004, 08:41:55 PM
*Jolly Walks away only shaking his head.*
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 23, 2004, 09:05:45 AM
Pre-JOTD ( from Mrs. ZW )

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 23, 2004, 09:18:15 AM
It is always interesting to look back on the careers of the greats of
the entertainment world and see their first, stumbling efforts on the
path the greatness.

Elvis Presley was a young lad fresh from the farm when he first started trying to cut a record. He was, in those days, accompanied everywhere by his pet pig. Virtually all of his songs were ballads eulogizing this porker of whom he was inordinately fond.

There were those who tried to say that he would never make it to the big time unless he changed his subject matter. How wrong they were!

One day Presley turned up at the studio without the pig.

They asked where the animal was.

Tearfully, he explained that his pick-up had broken down on his way into town. He had put a leash on the pig and started to walk the rest of the journey. Just where the road runs closest to the river, the pig had broken free and rushed onto the verge in search of something edible. Losing its footing on the wet grass, it slid into the river and became embedded in the mud.

Try as he might, young Presley could not free his pet. Time and again he struggled into the waters - a raging torrent after recent rains - but despite his best efforts, the animal had sunk deeper and deeper in the mud, its panic-stricken struggles to free itself only making matters worse.

Eventually just its snout could be seen above the water, and then even that disappeared.

Furiously young Presley castigated himself for his failure to save the creature closest to his heart. "Maybe you'll sing about something else now?" they asked.

"The heck I will!" he shouted, and defiantly propped a picture of the pig on the music stand.

Immediately he struck the first chord of the song which was destined to be among his greatest hits, and sang, "You ain't nothing but a drowned hog.."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 25, 2004, 10:30:00 PM
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 26, 2004, 12:43:47 AM
ROTFLOL :lol:lol:lol
That was the best one I heard from ZW
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 26, 2004, 10:03:57 PM
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that mollusks reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of fundson useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other mollusks large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 01, 2004, 10:36:05 PM
** Miss Bea, the Church Organist **

 Miss Bea, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been  married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all  things, a condom. When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

 The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking  through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the  spread of disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 03, 2004, 07:29:01 AM
JotD 12-3-04

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.  Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.  The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with ..

A Misdewiener!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on December 03, 2004, 12:05:34 PM
Three men have just died and are now standing at the gates to heaven. St Peter walks up to them and say " Ok, considering the season I will let you in if you co produce something that is significant to the season."
So the first guy starts patting himself down and digging through his pocket. Finally he pulls out a lighter and lights it he remarks "candles"
St Peter says "Alright." and lets him pass.
The next man reaches right into his coat pocket and grabs a set of keys and starts to jingle them "Bells"
St Peter says "fine" and lets him pass as well.
Now the third guy is frantic he hasn't been able to find anything on him and so he pulls out a pair of pantyhose and dangle them in front of St Peter.
St Peter looks at him and cocks his head to one side and raises and eyebrow.
The man looks at him with a grin and say
"There Carols?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 03, 2004, 01:40:45 PM
:sleep:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on December 03, 2004, 02:37:46 PM
:P
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on December 03, 2004, 04:22:55 PM
i was to lazy to post that one
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 06, 2004, 10:45:23 AM
Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets. Most start out as baggers at the check-out counters, but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along and the chance for a little more money becomes important.

One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year but never got a promotion. He was fascinated by the work in the produce section of the market. He was particularly taken with the way the store took fresh oranges and made fresh orange juice for customers. He could watch the process for hours, and when the supermarket installed a new machine that squeezed juice at five times the previous rate, he could barely hold back his enthusiasm.

Intrigued by this new, high-tech device, the young man asked if he could leave his job at the check-out counter putting groceries into bags and be allowed to work the new machine.

His request was denied.

"Why?" the boy asked. "I'd really like this promotion."

The store manager replied, "Sorry son, but baggers can't be juicers."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 08, 2004, 12:31:17 PM
My brother and I were lucky to land summer jobs as custodians at a
writers' colony. It was extremely rustic with tiny cabins, outdoor
facilities and wood burning stoves. One of our many duties was to make
sure that each writer's kerosene lamp was in working order.

My brother developed an uncanny ability to tell whether or not a writer needed a new wick just by standing around outside the cabins and observing the writers as they emerged on their way to breakfast.

When I asked him how he could tell, he replied, "Well, when a writer comes out I take a good look at his eyes. If they're bloodshot, it means that he's been up all night writing by the light of his lamp and is probably quite tired, so I give him a new wick."

"I suppose that would mean..." I ventured.

”That’s right,” he confirmed, “There’s no wick for the rested.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 09, 2004, 02:23:51 PM
The annual canine obedience competition was only a week away when suddenly the dog trainer's union went on strike.

Non-union workers were hired to finish up training the dogs for the show. Training was going well as the replacement workers taught the dogs about fetching, rolling over & sitting.

Worried that they may lose their jobs entirely, the striking union members began to march with protest signs outside the training arena. This all began just about the time the dogs were supposed to be learning to follow the command to "heel."

Hearing the striker's chants and recognizing their real trainer's
voices, the confused dogs would no longer follow the substitute trainers through their paces.

This came as no surprise to anyone because we've always known, "A scab will never heel if you picket."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 14, 2004, 10:01:01 AM
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
 
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist...


He's dead now.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Morpheus on December 14, 2004, 04:20:24 PM
:cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on December 15, 2004, 01:14:30 AM
Nice!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 15, 2004, 03:33:28 PM
There was a scientist working at the seaquarium, who was trying to discover the secret of immortality.

He thought he had discovered this through working with porpoises. He thought that by feeding porpoises very young sea gulls, he would extend their live indefinitely. He had been carrying on his experiments for a couple of weeks until one day, as he was going to feed his porpoises with two buckets of very young sea gulls, he discovered a lion in his path.

Naturally the scientist was frightened. But after looking at the lion again, he sees that he is old and toothless, virtuously harmless.

Thinking no more of it, the scientist steps over the lion and starts to go his way when some policemen step out of the bushes and arrest him.

He was charged with "Transporting Underage Gulls Across a Staid Lion For Immortal Porpoises."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 16, 2004, 01:42:26 PM
This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed.

His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence.

Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older, but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became progressively worse for our protagonist. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release.

After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillip Sousa march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewing of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire.

The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about...

the fartist formerly known as Prints.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 20, 2004, 04:22:30 PM
James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus. Naturally he titled it The Deer Sleigher.

He could have also called it The Abdominal Snowman.

On the inside cover appears a photograph of Santa taken with his North Polaroid camera.

In the pages of this expose, you'll find out that Santa's primary language is North Polish.

You'll learn that Santa and Mrs. Claus live in an icicle built for two and that he loves tending his three gardens and exulting, "Hoe, hoe, hoe!"

You'll also discover that St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses.

Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses. As they make toys, they sing "Love Me Tender." That's why they're known as Santa's little Elvis.

They feel that all their strenuous efforts getting ready for Christmas are just like a day at the office. They do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. And anytime he wishes, Santa can give them the sack.

A group of rebellious elves --along with their elf uncles and elf aunts -- have banded together to protest the terrible conditions they've been working under. They are known as the Santanistas -- and they're striving for higher elf esteem.

On Christmas Eve, Santa eats a jolly roll, leaps into his sleigh, and urges his toys to hop in the sack.

Santa's sleigh always comes out first because it starts in the Pole position. It also gets terrific mileage because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Kriss Kringle especially loves all his reindeer because every buck is deer to him.

On the way to delivering gifts, he lets his coursers stop at the Deery Queen. For this they offer him their Santapplause and sing "There's Snow Place Like Home for the Holidays" and "Freezer Jolly Good Fellow!"

On one night before Christmas, Santa Claus's sleigh team came up one member short because of a sudden illness. An inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team so no one would take notice of the missing animal. Regis, Chief of Elves, asked Santa, "Is that your vinyl Prancer?"

When traveling in the sleigh in inclement weather, Santa gets icicles in his beard. Real chin chillas, those.

Occasionally, cosmetics fly out of the bag and into Santa's beard, causing it to known as the beard of Avon.

He sometimes removes all the bells from his sleigh and travels silently through the night. One day he hopes to win a No Bell prize.

Santa is so Santa-mental that he sometimes spends all his money on the toys that he brings to children everywhere. At those times, he's called St. Nickeless.

Children all over the world await Santa's gifts, even the children of ghosts, who sing to Santa, "We'll Have a Boo Christmas Without You." After all, toys will be toys.

Santa often guides his sleigh to Cape Canaveral. We know this because A SANTA AT NASA is a palindrome -- a statement that reads the same forwards and backwards.

What's red and white and black all over? Santa Claus entering a home through a chimney. He loves sliding down chimneys because it soots him.

But he actually has a fear of getting stuck. That fear is called Santa Claus-trophobia.

The way to get him out of the chimney is to pour Santa Flush on him.

Occasionally Santa falls down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz.

Since Santa has to go up and down a wide variety of chimneys on Christmas, should he have a yearly flue shot?

Then on December 26, Santa is a beat Nick.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on December 20, 2004, 06:15:46 PM
*sigh*
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 21, 2004, 09:01:48 AM
:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 21, 2004, 11:16:54 AM
A pastor has done some methodical research and discovered the name of another one of Santa's reindeer - Gerald Lee. Gerald was bigger than the rest of the reindeer, and not too gifted in the intelligence area.

However, his nose glowed somewhat, and Santa used him to comply with FAA regulations - although the light would never be enough to be used for guidance on a foggy night.

So because Gerald got to be the leader, and given his size and personality, he was a bully amongst the other reindeer. Not only did he lord it over them, but he was the first to start making fun of Rudolph and any other reindeer who could be easily intimidated.

To top it off, Gerald was extremely flatulent and took great pride in displaying his talent particularly while leading the pack on Christmas eve.

So it was no surprise that all of the other reindeer secretly disliked Gerald, but had to respect Santa's decisions to let Gerald be in front.

Being a proud bully and all, there was one thing Gerald didn't like - and that was his first name. Instead, he insisted that he be called by a hybrid name composed of his first initial and his last name.

Which explains why, when Santa finally chose Rudolph to lead the sleigh, all of the other reindeer shouted...

"Out with Glee."

(The others: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Olive ("Olive the other reindeer"), and Al ("Then Al the reindeer loved him")
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on December 21, 2004, 04:37:09 PM
:X
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on December 21, 2004, 05:18:26 PM
i found this and laughed at it


Asaywa?????? (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/thingsthatmakehuh.html)

[Edited on 12/22/2004 by [303]snauzberries]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 23, 2004, 02:24:39 PM
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang.....

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on January 23, 2005, 12:30:44 AM
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" :hubba:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 23, 2005, 03:12:17 PM
:clap:

I heard that somewhere recently.  I still love it though.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on January 26, 2005, 01:50:49 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship.                               I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender,
"What about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: n1c on January 26, 2005, 10:51:04 PM
OUCH!!!!:hide::cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 03, 2005, 10:48:28 AM
A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter ( who was listening carefully for a change! ) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 03, 2005, 05:12:05 PM
I love children so much, they have so much to offer and are so curious. but the thing that gets me the most is how much they really pay attention in church.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 04, 2005, 09:03:38 AM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him... "a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. "
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 04, 2005, 10:52:15 AM
OLD OLD OLDOLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD

and you've posted it befor

:P
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 04, 2005, 01:39:47 PM
Ole and Lena are vacationing at this posh resort in Duluth. Ole goes into the sauna where two foreign businessmen were sitting naked. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Ole looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

Ole felt decidedly low tech.  Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.  The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

Ole finally said, "Vell by gully, vill you look at dat... I'm getting a fax!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on February 04, 2005, 03:39:28 PM
http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/screenlick.swf

You can now clean the inside of your monitor using the internet
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 05, 2005, 12:08:05 AM
Maybe I should put some Peanut Butter in there!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 07, 2005, 02:50:00 PM
The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one ... and let the other one off.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 07, 2005, 11:56:16 PM
:mg-rt: ZW :mg-lft:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 08, 2005, 11:13:19 AM
Some tourists were walking through the White House. One had two children, a five year old boy named Jimmy, and a three month old girl named Linda.

The mother got tired of pushing the stroller so she said, "Jimmy, cart her around."

The janitor who overheard this said "No, but George Bush is."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 16, 2005, 12:08:05 PM
The games at the Coliseum were scheduled to begin at three o'clock sharp, and Caesar decided to attend. He called Brutus, and instructed him to have the chariot standing by.

"What time do you want to leave?", inquired Brutus.

The Emperor, knowing that the ride from the palace to the Coliseum would take exactly an hour, and not wishing to be late, replied, "At two, Brute!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 17, 2005, 08:48:01 AM
Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?

One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

* Why does this sound so much like Snauz and Jolly? *
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 17, 2005, 11:59:44 AM
except that we do it in fun just to be mean to the cleark, well I would, Snauz on the other hand might be that slow...:D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 22, 2005, 09:52:31 AM
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.

"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 24, 2005, 08:46:29 AM
Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones, and Mr. Brown are patiently waiting outside the delivery room in the hospital for the good news of the birth of their first child. A chaplain is also waiting nearby, when a nurse comes out and calls for Mr. Smith.

"Mr. Smith... congratulations, you have twins!"

The delighted Mr. Smith replies, "That's great! Hey, what a coincidence: I work for the Minnesota Twins."

Soon another nurse comes out with an announcement for Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones... congratulations on the birth of your first three children: you have triplets!"

The delighted Mr. Jones replies, "Wow, that's kind of amazing! The last guy worked for the Twins and had twins. I had triplets, and I work for Triple A."

Just then Mr. Brown turns ghostly white and makes a running leap for the door. Worried, the chaplain stops him first.

"Son... why are you leaving like this while your wife is in having your child?"

"Because! The first man works for the Twins and had twins, and the second man works for Triple A and had triplets," Mr. Brown replies. "I work for 7-Eleven!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 01, 2005, 05:35:23 PM
Have you ever wondered why dogs can't use computers? I did, but no longer! This is the list that dispelled the wonder...

#8. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#7. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

#6. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#5. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#4. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#3. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 03, 2005, 10:30:57 AM
I was at the drug store to pick up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an elderly man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear who was next.

When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you."

I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you. I have all day."

Then he said, "No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 04, 2005, 09:36:22 AM
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "You shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," the teacher replied. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 07, 2005, 10:33:42 AM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband, when suddenly he burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, before finally speaking.

"What on earth is wrong with you? Do you think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?

Calmly, the husband replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 08, 2005, 10:05:07 AM
A country lady, who has been taken to her first show at an art gallery in the big city, is staring curiously at several of the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

The country lady, filled with curiosity over the unusual works of art, walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings. Could you tell me about them?"

"I paint what I feel inside me," shrugs the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 14, 2005, 01:48:37 PM
In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance.

His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he be coming on his own?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on March 14, 2005, 10:46:34 PM
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 16, 2005, 10:22:11 AM
During a time when Wolvy's son was about 18 months old, he was rushing to catch the bus. His son was strapped in a backpack on his back. Apparently he had a misstep and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact).

He was bruised, bleeding and had torn his jeans, but of course his main concern was, naturally, for his child.

His fears were alleviated when from behind him he heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on March 16, 2005, 09:25:30 PM
C & P
     In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
     "service."

     "The act of doing things for other people."

     Then I heard the terms:
     
     Internal Revenue Service
     Postal Service
     Telephone Service
     Civil Service
     Selective Service
     City/County Public Service
     Customer Service
     Service Stations
     
     I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
     thought "service" meant.
     
     Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them
     mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of
     his cows.
     
     SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
     Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to
     us.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 17, 2005, 11:16:43 AM
ewwwww.  Is that what that is!?!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 17, 2005, 11:18:54 AM
The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor. "Let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 18, 2005, 08:51:46 AM
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills," he replies.

"And what about the rest?" the reporter asks.

The farmer shrugs.

"Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 21, 2005, 09:57:46 AM
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck broke down.

After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours, he waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to take the penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumped out of his truck and said, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replied, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on March 22, 2005, 03:54:14 AM
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Kansas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Kansas State Police Ball." "He replied, "Kansas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on March 22, 2005, 01:26:52 PM
:cry: I love the truth
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 23, 2005, 11:34:35 AM
Once there were two chocolate bunnies. One had its ear bit off.

The whole bunny said to the maimed bunny, "Happy Easter!"

The earless bunny replied, "Huh?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on March 23, 2005, 12:52:49 PM
:rolleyes::P:sleep::x
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 23, 2005, 01:21:35 PM
What?  Couldn't hear you.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 23, 2005, 10:13:42 PM
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

:lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on March 24, 2005, 12:19:33 AM
nice
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on March 24, 2005, 10:08:18 AM
Backups (http://www.backuptrauma.com/video/default2.aspx?r=1)

[Edited on 3-24-2005 by opiesilver]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 24, 2005, 11:08:53 AM
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. The angel soon returned and reported, "Yes it is bad on earth. 95% of the population is wicked, while 5% is good."

God decided to send another angel for verification. When the second angel returned, he provided the following report: "The earth is truly in decline. 95% of the population is wicked, and only 5% is good."

God knew this was not good. He decided to send a letter to the 5% that were good to encourage them, and provide them with something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?

Oh, you didn't get one either?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 24, 2005, 12:00:25 PM
Hey, you know...

I was wondering about that letter I got.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on March 24, 2005, 12:31:05 PM
:P
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 24, 2005, 03:31:10 PM
:cool
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 25, 2005, 03:26:50 PM
The list below explains some logical, and perhaps many illogical reasons given for celebrating Easter.

You look really, really good in yellow.

You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

You figure any holiday that starts with a "Good Friday"
can't be all bad.

You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 25, 2005, 04:25:27 PM
The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I don't know but that face sure rings a bell."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on March 25, 2005, 06:27:32 PM
I love the reruns in this forum sometimes
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 25, 2005, 06:28:41 PM
What? Did somebody already post that?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 26, 2005, 12:22:22 PM
Have you ever heard why the Easter Bunny is so focused upon eggs? Here's a possible list of reasons why...

Supplying them is a big tax write-off.

Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

It gets a good deal from the local chickens.

Maybe it has a secret plan to eliminate the human race by cholesterol overdose.

Too much pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

If it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

Would you want to hunt for waffles?

Because the Energizer rabbit got the good job.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 26, 2005, 04:21:43 PM
8/
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 29, 2005, 10:57:21 AM
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, Seth called the airline to go over her special needs.

The representative listened patiently as he requested a wheelchair and an attendant for his grandmother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.

His apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured him that everything would be taken care of. Seth thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied.

He was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked...

"Will your grandmother need a rental car also?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 29, 2005, 05:15:06 PM
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 29, 2005, 05:43:05 PM
good one!:sword:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 29, 2005, 06:13:46 PM
:buttrock:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 30, 2005, 02:19:10 PM
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't do it.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is person cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Scroll scroll
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Scroll scroll
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Scroll scroll
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Scroll scroll
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 30, 2005, 02:32:18 PM
oldie but goodie
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on March 30, 2005, 03:10:47 PM
i remeber getting that in an email.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 30, 2005, 03:44:15 PM
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on March 31, 2005, 10:29:08 AM
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip
prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called
all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance
man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 31, 2005, 11:03:41 AM
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 31, 2005, 03:16:59 PM
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.

"I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 01, 2005, 11:42:19 AM
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 06, 2005, 10:09:52 AM
A woman asked at the bank to open a joint account.

When asked if the account would be with her husband, she replied, "Oh no, could I have one with someone who has a lot of money?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 06, 2005, 10:01:10 PM
When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 07, 2005, 09:26:26 PM
It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

"If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 08, 2005, 01:35:12 PM
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give.

Then she said, "That's because my mother said it's empty, and you have to put something into it!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on April 08, 2005, 02:32:14 PM
That was good
roflol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 08, 2005, 05:56:19 PM
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be
80?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 08, 2005, 10:25:48 PM
Amen to that!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 09, 2005, 07:11:35 PM
How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they have declared darkness to be the new standard.

-- Or --

One, but only if "light bulb" can be found in the Microsoft Knowledge Base.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 10, 2005, 12:27:33 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Mr_Anderson
How many Microsoft Support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?


None, they let the Hardware techs worry about the environment.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 10, 2005, 09:39:55 AM
Nice! :lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 10, 2005, 07:53:53 PM
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 11, 2005, 02:06:24 PM
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer as he talked to his faithful worker.

"You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag,' not 'feedback.'"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 11, 2005, 02:28:23 PM
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:

- things that need to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 12, 2005, 10:04:00 AM
Here is a list of funny golfer and caddie remarks. Enjoy!

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch--it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 12, 2005, 10:46:05 AM
Things You Don't Want to Hear Your System Administrator Saying:

NO! Not that button!
Do you smell something?
I have never seen it do that before...
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
What do you mean you needed that directory?
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 13, 2005, 05:01:38 PM
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 14, 2005, 07:09:02 AM
The pastor was preaching to his congregation concerning what heaven would be like. He explained that there would be no money in heaven--those things would no longer matter.

A little boy sitting with his mother was listening intently.

Upon hearing these words, he leaned toward his mother and whispered into her ear, "Hey, Mom, it sounds like we are already in heaven."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 14, 2005, 07:20:34 AM
Programmer's drinking song:

99 little bugs in the code,

99 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code,

101 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

103 little bugs in the code.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on April 15, 2005, 12:10:16 AM
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 15, 2005, 08:53:18 AM
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak... why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 17, 2005, 06:52:48 PM
New error messages currently under consideration for the new Windows XP operating system...

1    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3    BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
4    Close your eyes and press escape three times.
5    File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
6    Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
7    Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
8    Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
9    Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10     Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on April 17, 2005, 08:02:26 PM
LOL, Those Still Tickle me, I remember the firsttime I heard those.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on April 17, 2005, 09:41:03 PM
*What is a computer's first sign of old age?  
Loss of memory.  
 
*What does a baby computer call his father?  
Data.  
 
*What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer key-  
board?  
The space bar.  
 
*What happened when the computer fell on the floor?  
It slipped a disk.  
 
*Why was there a bug in the computer?  
It was looking for a byte to eat.  
 
*What is a computer virus?  
A terminal illness.  
 
*To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a  
computer.  
 
*Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.  
 
*Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.  
 
*My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.  
 
*The attention span of a computer is as long as its elect-  
rical cord.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 17, 2005, 09:42:27 PM
Two original Volkswagen Beetle drivers met in a parking lot and were swapping advice about each other's car.

"I don`t know what it is, but my engine makes a funny noise,"
commented one driver.

The other driver asked to open the engine hood to look and discover any possible problems.

Upon reaching the front of the car, the driver opened the hood. Both drivers immediately shrieked.

"No wonder I've been having problems," stated the first.
"Someone stole my engine!"

"No  problem, there's nothing to worry about," replied the other. "I have a spare in the back of mine."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 18, 2005, 10:30:23 AM
Here is a listing of funny IRS-directed questions, gathered by Donna Wilson.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of...
IRS: What? Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 18, 2005, 10:32:45 AM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 18, 2005, 12:48:21 PM
There were many times that I wanted to say something like that!

I was such a coward as a child.  Probably because I would get the whupping of my life when I got home if that happened.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 18, 2005, 02:32:10 PM
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 19, 2005, 08:14:30 AM
Nuh-an, I said "Whiskey!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 19, 2005, 09:56:48 AM
hree blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 19, 2005, 10:18:00 AM
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read...

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 19, 2005, 10:53:41 AM
Now he just need to write 20 more letters!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 20, 2005, 10:22:34 AM
A gentleman was having some physical problems, and as a solution his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 20, 2005, 12:57:29 PM
DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?
SON - From President Clinton.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 21, 2005, 09:25:14 AM
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 21, 2005, 09:37:09 AM
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo.
When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 21, 2005, 01:43:23 PM
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning
the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes
there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux,
waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way
back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you
see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going
to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 21, 2005, 02:11:10 PM
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 22, 2005, 09:46:46 AM
Two Cabbage heads were walking down a road one day and one was struck by a car. The other Cabbage head picked him up and took him to the hospital where the Doctor worked on him.

When the doctor came out he said "I have good news and bad news."

"The good news is that I sewed his head up and got his leaves all back on straight. The bad news is he will be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 22, 2005, 11:07:53 AM
A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with Watford Football Club" the boy replied quickly.
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny, "They never beat anyone"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 23, 2005, 07:09:48 PM
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 25, 2005, 10:43:24 AM
A certain retired man volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals, and usually takes his portable keyboard along.

At one particular outing, he told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished, he said in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 25, 2005, 11:46:45 AM
Learn to speak Chinese!

           English             Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?    Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse             Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?       Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table       Ai Bang Mai Ni

Has your flight been delayed?      Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution       Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet       Wai Yu Mun Ching?

He's cleaning his automobile       Wa Shing Ka

I think you need a facelift                 Chin Tu Fat


[Edited on 4-25-2005 by Mr_Anderson]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on April 25, 2005, 12:49:54 PM
A senior  citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the  road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little  hair he had left on his head. "This is
great," he thought as he roared down  I-75. He pushed the pedal to the
metal even more. Then he looked in his rear  view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing  and siren
blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he
accelerated  to 110-120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too
old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the  trooper to
catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and
walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift
ends in 30  minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason
why you were speeding  that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper  and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought  you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the  Trooper.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 25, 2005, 01:24:25 PM
:lol Thats a good one!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 26, 2005, 10:56:32 AM
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 26, 2005, 11:18:06 AM
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Great, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 28, 2005, 09:47:11 AM
An important officer in the Navy was inspecting a recently launched carrier. The entire 4,000 plus crew stood at attention. "I suppose," said the officer jokingly to the carrier's captain, "you know the name of every man on the ship."

"I think I do," was the captain's unexpected reply.

"A'ha," smiled the officer. "What's the name of that man?" he asked, pointing to a sailor standing two rows away.

"That's William Jones," replied the captain.

The officer walked over and addressed the seaman himself.

"And what's your name, sailor?" he asked.

"William Jones, sir," replied Seaman Abernathy.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 28, 2005, 12:19:05 PM
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 28, 2005, 02:29:45 PM
So Snauz was driving the bus?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 28, 2005, 04:10:51 PM
Sad to say,

Yes....

:cry::jawdrop::cry:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 29, 2005, 03:00:29 PM
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Been there, done that."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 30, 2005, 01:20:37 AM
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 01, 2005, 11:37:34 PM
:rolling:lol:rolling


The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush and said "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 02, 2005, 12:13:44 AM
8/8/8/8/
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 02, 2005, 12:23:23 AM
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 02, 2005, 10:09:47 AM
A troop of Boy Scouts were being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.

A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons, who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 02, 2005, 10:41:10 AM
Two men playing golf and a funeral procession goes by. The first man stops playing and removes his hat as it goes by.
"That was a kind show of respect" said the second.
"Well we had been married ten years you know"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 03, 2005, 02:48:11 PM
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my," the grandmother replied. "He and I must have the same landlord."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 03, 2005, 03:35:59 PM
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 04, 2005, 10:21:21 PM
Here's a list of alternative meanings to common computer industry abbreviations for you to enjoy.

PCMCIA -- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN -- It Still Does Nothing

APPLE -- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI -- System Can't See It

DOS -- Defunct Operating System

BASIC -- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM -- I Blame Microsoft

DEC -- Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM -- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 -- Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW -- World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH -- Many Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 04, 2005, 10:39:28 PM
Ya know....

That sounds like my computer which has been put back on the broken list.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 05, 2005, 09:41:04 AM
Sooo...
How did you post?

*******************

Julie has the courage, but not always the skill, to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So her brother wasn't surprised when, along with his other sister, Dianne, found Julie attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw Them.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 05, 2005, 10:17:41 PM
I was using my dad's computer.

Also I found the true problem which is being taken care of right now.

(The processor was missing a pin and now I'm borrowing my brothers processor!)

 :cry: :swear: :cry:

***********************************

 How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
1,392:

    * 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
    * 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently,
    * 4 to complain that they were happy with the old one,
    * 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs,
    * 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
    * 53 to flame the spell checkers,
    * 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list,
    * 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames,
    * 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb,
    * 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped,
    * 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
    * 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty,
    * 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs,
    * 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs,
    * 12 to flame the AOL users for violating netiqutte and blame them for starting this whole thing,
    * 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that "are relevant to this list, which makes light bulbs relevant to this list,"
    * 45 posts about weather or not AOL should even be allowed to exist,
    * 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too,"
    * 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy,
    * 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three,"

    * 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ,
    * 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup,
    * 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here,
    * 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[Edited on 5-6-2005 by Mr_Anderson]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 06, 2005, 10:28:37 AM
The butcher was busy working and minding his own business when he noticed a dog in his shop. Acting instinctively, he shooed him away. Later, he noticed the dog was back again.

Walking over to the dog to shoo him away again, he noticed the dog had a note in its mouth. Taking the note, the butcher read, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?"

Looking inside the dog's mouth again, the butcher found a ten dollar bill. So, the butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and hanged it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher was very impressed with this dog's skill, and since it was near closing time, he decided to close up shop and follow the dog.

The dog began by walking down the street. When it reached a crossing, it put down the bag and then jumped up and pressed the crossing button. Then it waited patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it did, the dog walked across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then came to a bus stop, and started looking at the timetable. The butcher watched in awe. The dog checked out the times, and then sat on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Soon the bus came along. The dog got up and looked at the number, noticed it was the right bus, and climbed on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him onto the bus.

The bus traveled through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up and moved to the front of the bus. By standing on his hind legs, it pushed the button to stop the bus. The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. It then walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw itself against the door. -Whap!- For a second time, it went back down the path, took another run, and threw itself against the door. -Whap!-

There was no answer at the door, so the dog jogged back down the path, jumped up on a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. When it got close to a window, it began banging its head against it several times. Then it walked back, jumped off the wall, and waited at the door.

The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, apparently the dog's owner. The big guy started to lay into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher ran up and stopped the big guy.

"What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!"

The big guy responded, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 06, 2005, 05:50:16 PM
What do you get when a Jolly crosses the street?

Bullet bait!

:sniper:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 09, 2005, 03:37:49 PM
Heather's son Joel, age 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell her that he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

Dutifully she fished it out and threw it in the trash.

Joel stood and watched this for a moment, thinking heavily. Then he suddenly ran to into Heather's bathroom and came out with her toothbrush.

Holding it up to her, he said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in a few days ago."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 09, 2005, 03:59:30 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error.." (Sure Sounds Like Me ! ! ) I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on May 09, 2005, 06:17:03 PM
A women was waiting at the bus stop for her bus with her purse in one hand and a baby carrige in the other. After ten minutes the bus finaly showed up, the driver opens up the doors and she boards. With a shreek the bus drive says, "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" The women insauted starts to walk to the back of the bus only getting madder and madder. She finds an open seat and  sits down next to a man. She starts to grumble under her breath some insualts of her own about the bus driver. The man next to her in concern asked "whats wrong?" She replied "The bus driver insaulted me" The man said "you should go tell him off" the women thought for a minute and said "I will." the man said "go, go do it he has no right to insault you." The woman said, "I will right now!" the man said, "Go, I keep an eye on your monkey."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 10, 2005, 09:39:30 AM
A mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should do something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" the mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," the mother said as they arrived at the bank, "So you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.'

After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 10, 2005, 12:31:36 PM
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!!

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 11, 2005, 08:06:30 AM
A woman went to doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 11, 2005, 12:00:45 PM
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 16, 2005, 09:51:00 AM
Here's some funny answering machine messages for you to enjoy!

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all it's employees cordless phones. The person you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me as I answer this call and searching desperately for their cordless phone in the mess on their desk. It won't matter if they find it since they didn't leave it on the charger last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well leave a message with me and I'll have them call you after the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 16, 2005, 11:30:47 AM
Ten Easy Steps to Better Banjo Playing the Doc Stock Banjo Method (Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?) by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1: beat it! The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence a dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: 1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. 2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). 3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing Just say, "Why not?"

Lesson 6: Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming.

Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for the odor. Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name that tune As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled:

Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work.

Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.
Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.

 Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune ----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H-------- --h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------ ---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H---- -----------h-----------h----------h---------------- ------------------------------------------------B-- h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 17, 2005, 01:52:59 PM
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 17, 2005, 02:33:35 PM
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the husband would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the husband's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 18, 2005, 12:30:01 PM
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation That nothing can compare In the process of aging With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:

"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 18, 2005, 04:35:43 PM
Hah, I found my video for your banjo post!!

http://www.ambushsite.com/files/misc/UT2k3-Duelingbanjos-2.avi

[Edited on 5-18-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 18, 2005, 07:06:04 PM
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 19, 2005, 08:45:41 AM
One day a professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask a question.

"Why do we have to study this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.

A few minutes later the same student spoke again.

"How does physics save lives?"

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 19, 2005, 08:51:05 AM
Here is a list of renamed Windows errors to help define your problems.

Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited
Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....
Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 24, 2005, 09:04:36 AM
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 24, 2005, 09:10:29 AM
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"

At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 26, 2005, 12:32:14 PM
A man gets himself convicted of a crime, and is consequently sent to prison. All goes reasonably well for him the first day.

However, after the lights are turned out he is lying on his cot trying to go to sleep, when all of a sudden he hears someone yell out at the top of his lungs, "FOURTEEN" and then all the inmates in the block break out in laughter.

After a few minutes he hears this again only this time someone yells "ELEVEN" and everyone laughs again. The new guy is really confused now so he asks the inmate in the next cell about what is going on.

The neighbor tells him that what they are doing is telling jokes.

"I still don't understand that, all I hear is numbers being yelled out."

"Yeah, that's how they tell them. You see, we've heard just about every joke there is, so instead of going through the whole thing we just number them and everyone knows which ones they are just by the number." "Oh," the new guy said. "Now I get it."

A few minutes of silence goes by when all of a sudden someone yells out "SEVENTEEN" and nothing happens, not even a snicker.

The new guy asks the old inmate, "What happened there?"

"Well, you know how it is. Some guys can tell jokes and some can't."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 27, 2005, 03:40:19 PM
As chaplain in a university residence hall, Jack is supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. However, that rule changed when a kitten adopted him.

The freshmen in my dorm kept Jack's secret. They covered for him by calling his kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room.

One morning as he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier a student stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

Jack explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," he told the student.

"Hmmm," the student responded. "No sequels."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 31, 2005, 05:09:39 PM
Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 01, 2005, 11:18:00 AM
The "debt clock" is back.

The late New York developer Seymour Durst erected the clock -- actually a billboard -- in midtown Manhattan in 1989 to track the total level of federal debt as well as "your family's share." It went dark in 2000, as the debt was decreasing, but the recent deficits have inspired Durst's son Douglas to restart it.

Back in the early 1990s, we used to walk past the debt clock every day on our way to work. The first time we saw the it, we got a little worried. As we walked past it every day, and saw both the total and our family's share gradually increasing, we thought more and more about the national debt and what a terrible problem it was.

It got to the point where we'd get anxious before we even got to Sixth Avenue, where the clock was. When we actually saw the debt clock, our heart started racing and we started breathing heavily. We realized we were having a full-blown panic attack every day when we saw the debt clock.

Finally we went to see a psychiatrist and explained our problem: We were obsessed with the fact that our government spends more money than it takes in.

He diagnosed us as suffering from -- you guessed it -- deficit attention disorder.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 01, 2005, 03:56:05 PM
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 01, 2005, 04:06:12 PM
The Centre for Disease Control looked more like a tumor
on the landscape than the architectural and scientific marvel it
really was. The vast complex had spread unchecked over the years to
the point where it threatened to devour its neighbors.

Inside, white-robed scientific types squinted into
microscopes, sat hunched over rectangles of stained glass the size of
a Tahitian postage stamp and squirted colored liquids into test tubes.

They were searching for a mysterious virus which had
appeared just weeks before and was responsible for an outbreak of
tiny, running sores that had broken out on the lips of everybody who
had eaten at Norway Knute's Diner on the evening of June 5th. At
first, it was thought to be a form of food poisoning, but closer
examination revealed that an unidentified virus was responsible for
those sore lips.

For his part, Knute was extremely upset that his well-
respected establishment would be associated with this type of thing.
It was not the kind of advertising he had in mind.

After some preliminary investigation, it was determined
that the virus appeared to be a mutated form of the dreaded
Disgusticus Lipposaurus B virus which had been responsible for wiping
out an entire Japanese village in 1983. They were working around the
clock to try to check the spread of this highly contagious mutant.

Six weeks after the initial outbreak, one of the
researchers just happened to notice that the mutations of the HLB, or
'Diner' Virus as they called it, were slowing down and a definite
pattern was emerging. From there, it became a relatively easy task to
predict what form the virus would take next and therefore, to halt
its progress. In short, they found a cure. The HLB Virus would be no
more.

In recognition of her discovery, the young researcher was
presented with a number of awards and prizes, was written up in all
the better scientific journals and spent the better part of a year on
the talk show circuit describing her role in the extinction of the
Diner Sores
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 01, 2005, 04:26:56 PM
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 02, 2005, 10:43:50 AM
When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, the doctor couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.

"Well Mr. Mechanic," the doctor said, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 02, 2005, 12:37:22 PM
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:

- things that need to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 03, 2005, 09:07:54 AM
A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, his ship caught sight of land, the land to
which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried
treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the
center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and
his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles,
and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something
hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond
imagination!

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just
goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 03, 2005, 12:36:34 PM
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 03, 2005, 01:50:57 PM
We've all been passed by motorists on the road going much faster than we were. But you can imagine my shock at recently being passed by a speeding lady going down the middle of the road's dotted line at a truly breakneck speed (at least 100 mph, on only a two lane road)!

The danger she proposed was high, so you can imagine my relief when I passed her later on down the road parked in front of a car with whirling lights. Their conversation went something like this...

"License and Registration please," the officer asked.

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," said the lady, smiling.

"Yeah, right!" he replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

The lady reached into her purse and handed him her license.

"Just as I suspected," the officer said, "this is an ordinary license, and I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

But the lady, still smiling, pointed to the bottom of the license.

"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 03, 2005, 02:55:47 PM
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............

Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 08, 2005, 09:06:14 AM
Here's a list of funny word/thought combinations...

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

9. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

11. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

13. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

14. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

15. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

16. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

17. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

18. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

19. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

20. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

21. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

22. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

23. Every calendar's days are numbered.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 08, 2005, 09:26:48 AM
Signs You Are Getting Old:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 09, 2005, 09:40:21 AM
A bartender was summoned to court with a subpoena colada.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 09, 2005, 09:57:51 AM
Every Friday after work, a mathematician went down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sat in the second-to-last seat, turned to the last seat, which was empty, and asked a girl, who wasn't there, if he could buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner usually shrugged and kept quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrived, and the mathematician made a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity got the better of him.

"I apologize for my prying, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"

The mathematician replied, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The owner raised his eyebrows.

"Really? That's interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? You never know... she might say yes."

The mathematician laughed.

"Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 09, 2005, 11:34:17 AM
Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
"Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"

Thats what Snauz said!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 09, 2005, 11:44:17 AM
Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 09, 2005, 12:42:26 PM
made all that more funnier for me since I work for a gas transportation company. :clap:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 09, 2005, 12:55:25 PM
Then I'd be running too if I saw you running!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 13, 2005, 02:21:20 PM
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said.

"To make the gravy!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 13, 2005, 03:36:27 PM
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

1213AEBED4FA56F7D7E8EDE09402F9240EE0E50CC9D44AA08324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 13, 2005, 04:12:22 PM
Today's Joke of the Day....

Michael Jackson's trial verdict coverage.

They followed him, by helicopter, all the way from his ranch to the the courthouse.  Then showed him entering the courthouse.  Then we listened to 20 minutes of talking heads making the same observations over and over.  All trying to waste time while they waited for the verdict to be announced.

How sad that THIS is the important news of the day.  

:;(:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: snauzberries on June 13, 2005, 04:22:59 PM
Veridct annount...NOT-GULITY on all counts..."sometimes your the smack sometimes your the tard" well in this case the award of tard goes to the jury
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 13, 2005, 04:49:34 PM
I guess Snauz was on the jury....

Maybe thats why he's not guilty.

I know you have all of his cd's Snauz!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 14, 2005, 10:43:52 AM
An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed back.

"Disregard, she got in the back-seat by mistake."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 14, 2005, 12:02:52 PM
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asked the young engineer out of MIT, "What starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon, "I'm thinking of 125K a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmmm. Well what do you say to five weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and retirement funds that will match at 50%, and a company car leased every two years, say maybe a fine Porsche?" replied the interviewer.

The engineer gasps and says, "Wow, are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 15, 2005, 12:17:13 AM
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. I had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.

"Isn't that thoughtful," my wife said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."

The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 15, 2005, 12:29:50 AM
Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 18, 2005, 06:17:20 PM
For years two brothers--one a lawyer and the other a deaf-mute accountant--worked for a mobster. Whenever the mobster and the accountant needed to communicate, the lawyer brother would use sign language and serve as interpreter.
One day the mobster realized his books were short three million dollars. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this idiot I want to know where my money is!"
The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about.
Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this idiot that he lets me know--right now--where the money is or I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer conveyed this to his brother, who immediately explained--in frantic sign language--that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.
"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.
The lawyer shrugged. "He says you don't have the guts."

[Edited on 6-19-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 20, 2005, 10:14:55 AM
Happy Father's Day to you! Here's some perspective from your offspring.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here are the results:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 20, 2005, 10:32:25 AM
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 21, 2005, 02:52:26 PM
Beer contains no fat.

Beer is low in sugar.

Beer is a source of soluble fiber which is derived from the cell walls of malted barley. A liter of beer contains an average of 20% of the recommended daily intake of fiber and some beers can provide up to 60%. As well as aiding healthy bowel function, this has a further benefit by slowing down the digestion and absorption of food and reducing cholesterol levels, which may help to reduce the risk of heart disease. Beer itself has no cholesterol.

Moderate levels of consumption of beer have been shown to reduce stress and the chances of heart disease.

Beer contains significant amounts of magnesium, selenium, potassium, phosphorus, biotin, and is chock full of B vitamins.

Researchers based at University College London have found that drinking alcohol, even in low amounts, might be associated with higher cognitive ability, particularly for women.

People who drink one drink a day — wine, beer or hard liquor — show significantly better elasticity of their body's arteries, an important measure of cardiovascular health, according to a new study.

A study showing a beer a day may help keep heart attacks away adds to growing evidence that moderate alcohol consumption may reduce heart disease. Israeli researchers found that drinking one beer (12 ounces) a day triggered changes in blood chemistry that are associated with a reduced risk of heart attack.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin quote (American Statesman, Scientist, Philosopher, Printer, Writer and Inventor. 1706-1790)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 21, 2005, 03:11:01 PM
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 27, 2005, 10:41:13 AM
Sally had given her daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, she was coaching her as she drove, and told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" Sally returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

Sally thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So she asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" Sally asked, horrified at the big miss. "One?!"

Because of the confused look on Sally's face, her daughter added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 29, 2005, 10:15:21 AM
Celebrity takes on the ever plagueing question, why did the chicken cross
the road?

George W. Bush
I believe the question is not Why did the chicken cross the road?" but
"What was the chicken running away from on the side of the road he was
on." And the answer? Access of Evil was affiliated with this exact
chicken!

Bob Dole:
Bob Dole says, "To get to the other side."

Bill Gates:
We built the road. We built the chicken. Mind your own darn buisness!

Sir Isaac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, while chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.

Plato
For a greater good.

Karl Marx
It's Historically inevitable.

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Albert Einstien
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken
depends apon your frame of reference.

Douglas Adams
Forty-two.

Ernest Hemmingway
To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Bob Dylan
How many roads must a chicken cross?

Colonel Sanders
I missed one?

Dilbert
I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

WebChicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Hamlet
Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of
outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of on coming
vehicles...

Florida Voter
The chickens were clearly confused as to where the dotted yellow line was
leading. The only other option was to cross the line, so they did.

Richard M. Nixon
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
the road.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross the road before you believe it?

Gilligan
The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for
the plumage of its peerless tail - the chicken would be lost. The chicken
would be lost!

Scully
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Jerry Seinfield
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask, 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place
anyway?

Mr. T
If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Robert Frost
To reach the sidewalk less travelled by.

William Shakespeare
I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy
without much ado

George Orwell
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing
the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their
interests.

L.A. Police Department
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Groucho Marx
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who
thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the
eggs.

Emily Dickinson
Because it could not wait for death

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free
access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road
and now it's a Federal case already?!

Jack Nicholson
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Freud
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your
underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such
a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Immanuel Kant
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own
free will.

THERMODYNAMIST
Because the pressure of chickens was greater on this side of the road, and
the chicken's crossing made the entropy greater.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 29, 2005, 11:17:51 AM
Signs That You're A Drunk   

    1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

    4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

    7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

    8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

    9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    10. You fall off the floor

    11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

    14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

    15. Roseanne looks good

    16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

    17. That dang pink elephant followed me home again.

    18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

    19. You've fallen and can't get up.

    20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[Edited on 6-29-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 30, 2005, 10:30:16 AM
Way back in 1860, eleven states seceded from the Union.

Not being a history buff, I don't remember the names of these states. But I do remember that there was an additional twelfth state that desperately desired to secede.

But the governor of that state wasn't real swift, if you know what I mean. You might say he was one sandwich short of a picnic! But he had a good heart. In his state of mind he felt he had the best interest of his state in mind. He firmly believed in what he was doing.

The truth is, he didn't know much about secession. He just knew that he wanted out.

Bad.

So, first he decided to hold a vote of the people, to see where they stood. Well, the count came in and it was discovered that more than half of the people did NOT want to secede from the Union.

He decided not to pay any attention to this because he felt the right thing to do would be to secede. After all, he was the governor and he knew what was best for the people.

But his dilemma was, "How can we secede when the people don't want to?"

Feeling a bit guilty, but sure that he was doing the right thing, he wrote a letter to the Union, announcing his decision to secede.

Only he must have put the wrong address on it because the letter was returned to him with a little message on the envelope, "Return to sender, nobody here by that name."

Still undaunted, he decided to send a special messenger to the Union, to personally deliver the message that he wanted to secede.

But alas, the horse that the messenger was riding tripped, throwing him to the ground and breaking his leg -- he never made it to the Union  headquarters.

Finally, in desperation, he decided to go himself.

But while en route, some outlaws attacked him, stole all of his money, his letter, and his horse.

He was forced to walk back to his state, which took many weeks.

Quite discouraged at this point, he called his fellow statesmen together and poured out his troubles to them. He beseeched them for advice.

And in unison, they replied, "If at first you don't secede, try, try again!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 30, 2005, 04:17:45 PM
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU IDIOT -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

[Edited on 6-30-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 30, 2005, 04:30:37 PM
A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on June 30, 2005, 04:42:07 PM
Beer for Geeks   
spacer
    DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  (*Note: This was true for the original Windows Beer, but not for Windows 95 Beer.  The license for DOS Beer is included with Windows 95 Beer.*)    Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

[Edited on 7-2-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 02, 2005, 12:10:54 PM
A group of cannibals are hired as programmers.

Their manager told them, "You are doing good work, but please, don't touch your colleagues and eat them. We have a canteen, you may eat there."

"Ok", the cannibals promised.

After six weeks, the manager spoke to them again; "Ok we are satisfied with your work and everything, and you are behaving very well. By the way, we are missing a cleaning woman, has somebody touched her?"

The cannibals denied having broken their promise.

After he left, the chief of the cannibals asks "Who is the idiot who ate that cleaning women?"

One of the cannibals admitted that he did.

"Are you out of your mind? For six weeks now have been eating VP's and Senior managers and nobody took notice. How can you be so stupid as to eat a working person?!?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 02, 2005, 12:30:06 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?" The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?" Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto thinks someone stole tento."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 03, 2005, 10:37:07 PM
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator   
spacer
    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 08, 2005, 10:37:41 AM
A woman came to her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor! All day long my daughter eats yeast and car wax, and won't get out of bed. What will happen to her?"

"Don't worry." said the Doctor, "Eventually, she will rise and shine!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 08, 2005, 08:03:29 PM
There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.”

The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars and won!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled “WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 11, 2005, 11:36:31 AM
Being rather bald, Mr. Jones comforted himself on a visit to the hairdresser with the saying, "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street."

However, he was not prepared for the returning joke from the barber.

"Yes, and we always say there's no sense in putting a roof on an empty barn."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 11, 2005, 05:28:20 PM
People Really Said These Things In Court   

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Edited on 7-12-2005 by Mr_Anderson]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 12, 2005, 10:00:33 AM
The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 12, 2005, 10:23:04 AM
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 13, 2005, 03:04:48 PM
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Bill was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Bill's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Bill.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Bill. "I've finally got job security!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 13, 2005, 04:12:22 PM
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    ".......Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."


*****************************************************
** Just to stop the "True Story" stuff before it continues any further:  **
** http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wordperf.htm **
** -- ZWarrior **

[Edited on 7-14-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 14, 2005, 11:18:05 AM
Here's a list of ten possible things that could have been said on Noah's Ark:

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice Doggie!"

1. "Are We There Yet?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 20, 2005, 02:59:36 PM
As an instructor in driver education at a local High School, Kyle learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day Kyle had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, Kyle asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 20, 2005, 10:05:05 PM
Clinton: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Clinton: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Clinton: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Clinton: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Clinton: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Clinton: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Clinton: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Clinton: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
Clinton: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Clinton: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
Clinton: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
Clinton: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Clinton: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Clinton: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Clinton: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Clinton: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Clinton: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Clinton: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Clinton: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Clinton: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Clinton: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Clinton: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Clinton: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 22, 2005, 03:01:55 PM
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 22, 2005, 04:17:21 PM
It's a little late, but still we should go over some New Years Resolutions to make sure that they will be done this year.
    
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 25, 2005, 10:11:03 AM
Having moved into his first apartment, George and Georgette’s son invited them over for a visit.

As they walked in, their son asked if they'd like a cold drink.

Mentally patting herself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, Georgette said, "Yes, what do you have?"

Her son walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 27, 2005, 04:45:08 PM
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.

Then it hit me.


* WOOT!!! Joke #500!!!!! *  :clap::flak::dance::disco:
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 28, 2005, 09:41:04 AM
A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Grandpa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you got lost today?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered back, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 01, 2005, 11:41:14 AM
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 01, 2005, 12:03:23 PM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't
warned."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 03, 2005, 03:26:01 PM
John was on his way to the hospital with his 16-year-old daughter who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 03, 2005, 03:28:43 PM
Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Tennessee student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for farming.

The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can come into our precious school."

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,"POOF," there was a huge wall around Auburn.

The Alabama student says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out."

The Alabama student says, "Fill it with water."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 04, 2005, 09:36:26 AM
When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
To handle an incorrigible punster, just don't incorrige him.
She thought it was a real horse, but it was a phony.
A logger went to his doctor because of a problem with the lumbar.
The invention of a shirt fastener after the button was a snap.
Criminals who fall into the mud have to come clean sooner or later.
He was trying to sell me new windows, but his motivations were transparent.
Could modern submarines be the wave of the future?
The Spaniard's wife was always up before the Don.
The nervous drycleaner was a chemical agent who always folded under pressure.
Top researchers are expected to perform, so they're often under the microscope.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 04, 2005, 09:43:02 AM
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.

Her chosen business name became "Nun of Your Business."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 04, 2005, 01:23:20 PM
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 05, 2005, 10:28:55 AM
"If you want your program to be readable, consider supplying the argument."
 -- Larry Wall in the PERL man page
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 08, 2005, 09:58:15 AM
While trying to explain to his six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, Les pointed to his brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, his daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 08, 2005, 11:15:45 AM
Here is a list of redneck computer terms

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.

Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.

Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette - A female Disco dancer.

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.

Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom - Where the pope lives.

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 09, 2005, 09:52:14 AM
I used to work for a large company, and they often did special things for us to make work a little more enjoyable. Below is a series of memos once sent out from the company.

Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m., Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 09, 2005, 03:49:55 PM
A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"
God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 11, 2005, 04:20:11 AM
Reasons not to drink too much. (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/monkeybeer.php)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 11, 2005, 10:44:27 AM
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and billions of dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 15, 2005, 10:39:10 AM
Please carefully read the following text:

This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is fool cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat

Now read the third word in each line, beginning again from the start.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 15, 2005, 03:49:16 PM
People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize   

 1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim for managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 16, 2005, 01:32:03 PM
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in the world.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 16, 2005, 02:59:08 PM
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on August 17, 2005, 11:13:47 AM
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three
kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage
of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in
the loop. Our system will automatically E-mail you all the forms and advise
you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor
an E-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that
to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without
an E-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high tech firm.
Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his
wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees ! a stand selling 25 lb.
crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy
corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the
tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost
$100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his
family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next
day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into
the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of
tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying
the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community
college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks
and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless
people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million
dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting
with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his E-mail address in order to
send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and
has no E-mail address, the insurance man ! is stunned, "What, you don't
have E-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today
if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had E-mail/Internet five years ago I would be
sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.   5 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail or internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 17, 2005, 01:30:39 PM
Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"
Customer: "... Double glazed."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 17, 2005, 05:30:16 PM
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 18, 2005, 10:35:56 AM
Have you ever felt this way?

"I live in my own little world, but it's ok...
They know me here."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 18, 2005, 06:28:57 PM
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

    The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

    The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

    The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

    The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butt and head are interchangeable".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 19, 2005, 11:33:21 AM
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation.

"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "That heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 19, 2005, 04:28:01 PM
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

[Edited on 8-19-2005 by Mr_Anderson]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 19, 2005, 05:42:55 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 22, 2005, 09:31:46 AM
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 23, 2005, 01:42:06 PM
Today's pun: "Old electricians never die, they just get discharged."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 23, 2005, 04:41:44 PM
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 29, 2005, 11:07:26 AM
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 29, 2005, 11:28:58 AM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 30, 2005, 12:37:46 PM
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

"What do you do for a living?" I said to him.

"Well, I used to be a window washer."

"When did you give it up?"

"Halfway down."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 30, 2005, 02:50:59 PM
I have found this to be the best way to releave stress in class:

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on September 04, 2005, 06:10:26 PM
A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making  her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas gtation just one block away...

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car
 and drive to the station for a fill up.   The attendant regretfully told
her
 that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would  care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
 walked back to her car.   After looking through her car for something to
 carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking  to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled
it
 with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.  As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street.

 One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that it is said that
Jesus
 turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for  the rest of my life."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 08, 2005, 10:25:58 AM
One of Jerry's students could not take his college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," Jerry told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," Jerry insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he replied.

By now Jerry was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" he asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 08, 2005, 07:14:49 PM
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 12, 2005, 12:15:37 PM
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "r" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home. "Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates, many of them already laughing at him, before he began.

"Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 13, 2005, 12:58:21 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 13, 2005, 12:30:25 PM
Two cockroaches decided to visit their favorite restaurant.

While the larger of the two was enjoying his meal, the smaller one said, "You wouldn't believe the house I just left. It was spotless. The lady had to be a cleanaholic. Everything was immaculate--the sink, the counter, the floors. You couldn't find a crumb anywhere."

The other cockroach stopped his munching, looked with some annoyance at his companion, and said, "Do you have to talk like that while I'm eating?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 13, 2005, 04:48:19 PM
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 14, 2005, 09:01:47 AM
A hawk sat atop a church because it was a bird of pray.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 14, 2005, 09:13:52 AM
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this question.

Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on September 14, 2005, 04:03:26 PM
*Sighs*



Todays joke of the Day is, "My English Comp. Class".
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 14, 2005, 05:20:16 PM
These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 15, 2005, 04:45:31 PM
A patient was making his first visit to the doctor.

"And whom," began the physician with utmost dignity, "Did you consult about your illness before you came to me?"

"Only the druggist down at the corner," replied the patient.

The doctor could not conceal his contempt for the medical advice of the great "unwashed," who are not qualified to practice medicine.

"And what sort of ridiculous advice did that fool give you?"

"He told me," replied the patient innocently, "to come and see you."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 15, 2005, 06:28:29 PM
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 16, 2005, 10:36:06 AM
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 16, 2005, 03:03:10 PM
I was interning at a local ISP and every once in a while got to take a tech support call. I probably only took about five at the most. Here's the best one.

    * Tech Support: "Tech support."
    * Customer: "Yeah, every time I get on the Internet and leave my computer, I get disconnected."
    * Tech Support: "How long are you away from your computer?"
    * Customer: "About 10-20 minutes."
    * Tech Support: "Sir, if you're idle for more than 15 minutes, we disconnect you."
    * Customer: "Well don't disconnect me!"
    * Tech Support: "It's not us, sir -- it's the servers, they do it automatically."
    * Customer: "Change it, then."
    * Tech Support: "I can't."
    * Customer: "Yes you can!"
    * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to."
    * Customer: "I pay for this service, and dammit, you're going to change it!"
    * Tech Support: "Sir, I'm not allowed to change it. Bottom line."
    * Customer: "And why not!?"
    * Tech Support: "Because I'm not the administrator."
    * Customer: "Well tell him to change it!"
    * Tech Support: "I can't do that either. The administrator hates me."
    * Customer: "Why?"
    * Tech Support: "Because I won our last Nerf tournament."
    * Customer: "Nerf tournament?! I pay you guys to play with toys?"
    * Tech Support: "We do it in our spare time."
    * Customer: "I want to talk to your supervisor!"
    * Tech Support: "Sorry, but my supervisor is the administrator, and he's busy."
    * Customer: "Well, I'm going to rat you out about your little Nerf gun secret!"
    * Tech Support: "Tell the owner -- it'll give him more of a reason to come down here to play with us."

He hung up.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 16, 2005, 05:21:14 PM
This one is for Snauz:

How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 19, 2005, 01:02:00 PM
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, Steve took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.

Steve asked again for a more detailed description beyond "A blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 20, 2005, 01:24:57 AM
Here are some excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had <strike>diahre</strike> <strike>dyrea</strike> <strike>direathe</strike> the runs.

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[Edited on 9-20-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 20, 2005, 09:02:14 AM
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around? It isn't going to rain in the desert!"

To which the guy with the umbrella replied, "Yeah, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it!"

The guy with the car door replied, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 21, 2005, 11:32:46 AM
You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 21, 2005, 01:09:23 PM
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.

"Johnnie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"

"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 22, 2005, 01:32:51 PM
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist for a new hairdo. However, he was unable to pick her up, and so he had arranged ahead of time for me to do, and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up.

However, when the time came she must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later, as she received a very unexpected response.

When she called, a man answered and said "Hello."

She cheerfully replied, "Come and get me!"

The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 26, 2005, 12:13:39 PM
Have you heard about the new pasta diet?

Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without stopping. It works all the time.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 27, 2005, 12:41:14 AM
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 27, 2005, 10:38:00 AM
My version:

 Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday for the Red Sox."

"Noooo, not the Red Sox, anything but that!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on September 27, 2005, 10:39:17 AM
A teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.

She demanded of them what they were doing.

One of them reported back, "We are shooting craps."

Relieved, the teacher replied, "Oh. That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 27, 2005, 06:49:01 PM
Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday for the Red Sox."

"Noooo, not the Red Sox, anything but that!"


Hey, what do you have against the Red Sox??

.... Oh wait, I don't like them either!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on September 27, 2005, 06:49:30 PM
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 03, 2005, 12:48:16 PM
Do these differences in perspective seem to apply to your work life?

When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being strong-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 04, 2005, 12:05:11 PM
One company sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime.

These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, the attending employees are supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

One week, this flier was circulated:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 05, 2005, 12:42:29 PM
One day a man walked into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.

"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 05, 2005, 04:26:36 PM
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 06, 2005, 11:08:22 AM
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 06, 2005, 04:13:36 PM
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 07, 2005, 03:14:54 PM
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."  ;)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 07, 2005, 03:23:18 PM
10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer   

1. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
5. The "quick reference" manual is 520 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 10, 2005, 09:34:25 AM
Many a small church has been built with the restroom behind the pulpit. Often there is an outside door as well as an inside door to access the room.

In just such a church one fine Sunday morning, the pastor was waxing eloquent on Revelations 3:20.

With great pathos he exclaimed that the Lord is standing at the door of your heart and crying, "Let Me in. Let Me in!"

He walked over to the aforementioned door just off the pulpit. He knocked on the door and again reminded us that God was at our heart's door crying "Let Me in. Let Me in!"

Through the door a muffled cry came wafting out, "Just a minute."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 10, 2005, 11:51:02 AM
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 12, 2005, 01:40:56 PM
Here are some possible signs that you are getting too old to drive:

You think an SUV might be too small to be safe

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something

It scares you to drive the speed limit

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep

You use cruise control at 25 mph

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 12, 2005, 06:42:33 PM
Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 14, 2005, 09:56:10 AM
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 18, 2005, 11:52:44 AM
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 19, 2005, 12:55:33 PM
"I've noticed that when you are a parent you can kiss your privacy good-bye.  I fully understand now why my father used to lock the bathroom door.  He wasn't embarrassed about anything -- it was the only time he ever got to be alone.
 I remember one morning I was taking a shower.  I had the bathroom door shut, but somehow I had forgotten to lock it.  All of a sudden, the shower curtain was ripped back and there stood my daughter with her friend!
 Next thing I knew, the girls were marching back out the door and my daughter huffed, "See? I told you."
  I never found out what that was all about, but I'll tell you something I did learn that day: there is absolutely no way for a wet, naked man to climb a tile wall.  It just cannot be done"

-- Bill Engvall
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on October 19, 2005, 02:06:35 PM
:drummer:
I love it the third Time I've seen it and it is still funny!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 19, 2005, 08:11:22 PM
Wow :D
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 20, 2005, 09:46:56 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Mr_Anderson
Wow :D


He's alive!!!

Today's funny:

A man dies and goes to heaven.

Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St.Peter.  "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!?!!  "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points!  Come on in!"

We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape.

God did it with a nail.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 20, 2005, 09:12:11 PM
This has actually happened:

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on October 21, 2005, 09:21:27 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/37744/wet_look_water_bed/
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on October 22, 2005, 05:58:51 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/34201/road_rage/
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 31, 2005, 01:33:53 PM
The staff at the hospital where Carl was working decided to dress up for Halloween. He wore his standard X-ray tech's uniform of a dress shirt, tie and lab coat, but made the rest of himself up as a werewolf with a shaggy wig, makeup, long nails and lots of hair on his face and hands.

While he was preparing an examining room for a patient, Carl realized why technologists always take the time to explain X-ray safety. There, he overheard a young boy who had seen him in the corridor ask his mother, "Mommy did that man have too much radiation?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on October 31, 2005, 03:12:41 PM
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!'
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 02, 2005, 04:45:18 PM
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I act like I'm listening."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 03, 2005, 09:48:48 AM
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Reaper on November 03, 2005, 08:30:51 PM
I make no word jokes, but here is something you might like
:touched;
Kitty Cat Dance (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kittycat.php)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 04, 2005, 02:24:37 PM
Pastor Smith was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Pastor."

The pastor said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The pastor said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 07, 2005, 12:29:29 PM
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy, named Mr. Anderson, filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 08, 2005, 02:27:05 PM
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wannabe mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 09, 2005, 12:03:51 PM
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer, only his was a fairly revised version.

"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 10, 2005, 02:34:59 PM
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.

One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 10, 2005, 06:38:48 PM
Things Found Only In America   

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 11, 2005, 01:45:46 PM
The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.

Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 11, 2005, 05:24:32 PM
There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.

The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death as well.

The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else. ''Finally, the blonde man's wife siad '' I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 11, 2005, 06:17:28 PM
Moans....
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 11, 2005, 06:49:50 PM
Boy thats funny Jolly!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on November 12, 2005, 03:56:20 AM
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the
redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the
lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional
chat with a professor. She felt that her father had for years
harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought
should   be his.   One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.  He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0
GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain,
insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load
and was constantly  studying, which left her no time to go
out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even
have time for   a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.   Her father listened and then asked,  "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by.  All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA.  She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's   always   invited to
all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because  she's too hung over."

 

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the
Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give
it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both
have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal
distribution of GPA."   The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!   I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has   done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my  tail off!" The father  slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 12, 2005, 11:03:33 AM
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 14, 2005, 10:29:26 AM
When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter gave the news as follows...

"Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby woods."

After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself.

"About that overturned truck: make those Black Angus cattle."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 16, 2005, 02:15:06 PM
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained, "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist, "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.":jawdrop:

[Edited on 11-16-2005 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 16, 2005, 06:46:11 PM
These are some excuses that I have found to work when I program for my class:

01) "That's weird..."
02) "It's never done that before."
03) "It worked yesterday."
04) "How is that possible?"
05) "It must be a hardware problem."
06) "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
07) "There is something funky in your data."
08) "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
09) "You must have the wrong version."
10) "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
11) "I can't test everything!"
12) "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
13) "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
14) "Somebody must have changed my code."
15) "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
16) "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
17) "You can't use that version on your system."
18) "Why do you want to do it that way?"
19) "Where were you when the program blew up?"
20) "It works on my machine."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2005, 02:08:59 PM
A boy, entirely frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, approached his father and asked, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

His father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No man has ever lived that long yet."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 17, 2005, 02:17:17 PM
What does NASCAR stand for?

Non

Athletic

Sport

Created

Around

Rednecks
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Gator on November 17, 2005, 02:25:39 PM
LOL
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 18, 2005, 11:05:56 AM
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

** Love that avatar Gator!**
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 18, 2005, 11:29:15 AM
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.
Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 21, 2005, 10:57:24 AM
Some people REALLY love Christmas. I love Thanksgiving.

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 23, 2005, 02:35:59 PM
Out of necessity, Thanksgiving at our house has required last-minute change. Please be advised the following notes are to help you arrive fully prepared.

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are dramatizing too much.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table... in a separate room... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 23, 2005, 02:57:36 PM
You know you are a redneck when:

Quote
Originally posted by ZWarrior
Out of necessity, Thanksgiving at our house has required last-minute change. Please be advised the following notes are to help you arrive fully prepared.

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are dramatizing too much.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table... in a separate room... next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 28, 2005, 10:55:29 AM
In the examination paper the Professor wanted his students to sign a form stating They had not received any outside assistance.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, one student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The Professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 28, 2005, 02:46:01 PM
A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please.” “What’s the problem, officer?” “You just ran that stop sign back there.” “Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.” “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.” “You gotta be kidding me!” “It’s no joke, sir.” “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.” “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and—” “You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?” “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.” “I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.” The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 29, 2005, 12:43:21 PM
Don't you think we should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings?

Perhaps we could use phrases like, "Well I'm bored... Let's go brush our teeth!" Or, "I've got to go make a phone call, would you hold this gum in your mouth?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 30, 2005, 03:45:12 PM
Our Military's Wit and Wisdom OR the Military's version of Murphy's Law.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - US Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh *&#$!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on November 30, 2005, 05:42:06 PM
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on December 01, 2005, 08:53:02 AM
oldey but goodey
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 01, 2005, 12:16:57 PM
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 01, 2005, 01:07:07 PM
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the seat.

He grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

Quite shaken now, he immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY?"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 02, 2005, 01:08:42 PM
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 02, 2005, 04:27:44 PM
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."

"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."

The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"

"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones. Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 02, 2005, 05:09:14 PM
I was starting feeling tired a couple of years ago. So I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 05, 2005, 03:16:02 PM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat," his wife said.

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 05, 2005, 03:56:26 PM
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 06, 2005, 03:04:43 PM
*that was a repeat. ;) *

The teacher is standing in front of her class, tutoring them about the spread of disease. "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?" she asks.

One pupil raises his hand to reply.

"Don't bite any."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 06, 2005, 05:16:57 PM
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 07, 2005, 09:23:06 AM
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.

As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up and the chicken did, too!

They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!

Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway, leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.

The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 07, 2005, 01:41:47 PM
True Story!!

   

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on December 07, 2005, 02:30:18 PM
Unfortunate Domain Names
-
Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:
-
Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com/
-
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
-
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:  http://www.penisland.net/
-
Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com
-
And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com
-
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 08, 2005, 11:34:16 AM
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit for driving offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

"Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 08, 2005, 11:47:35 AM
Some Redneck Computer Lingo

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 09, 2005, 10:58:12 AM
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 09, 2005, 11:49:31 AM
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 12, 2005, 04:41:18 PM
On a recent trip into town I observed a very peculiar thing happening via two city workers. One would dig a hole, walk a few yards, dig another hole, and then walk a few more yards... you get the point.

The second man would come behind the first man and fill the hole that had just been dug, walk a few yards, fill the next hole, and so on. These actions quite puzzled me. Furthermore, these two men were working very hard! One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

Finally I couldn't hold my confusion in any longer-I had to find out what they were doing. "I appreciate how hard you're working," I said to the first man, "But why are you digging a hole when your partner comes behind you and just fills it up again?"

"Oh yeah, I guess it must look pretty funny," the hole digger replied, taking a break to wipe the sweat off his forehead. "But the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 12, 2005, 05:55:41 PM
A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I'll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 13, 2005, 11:08:06 AM
Here's a take on how some feel the "before" and "after" marriage perspectives change:

Before: You take my breath away After: I feel like I'm suffocating

Before: She says she loves the way I take control After: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

Before: He makes me feel like a million dollars After: If I had a dime for every clumsy thing he's done...

Before: We agree on everything! After: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before: Is that all you're having? After: Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before: Nothing is too good for you! After: You spent *how* much??

Before: Ideal After: Idle

Before - Candy hearts and flowers After - Onion rings and antacid

Before: Time stood still After: This relationship is going nowhere

Before: Croissant and cappuccino After: Bagel and instant

Before: Blind After: Nearsighted


** Just a note, this is NOT how I feel. ;) **
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 13, 2005, 01:50:23 PM
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 14, 2005, 09:37:02 AM
Have you heard about the four men who were bragging about how smart their dogs were?

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The chemist said his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that was brilliant!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 14, 2005, 09:51:37 AM
One day in the middle of the desert a man's car breaks down. He remembers seeing a gas station near by, so he decides to push his car. The man finally gets to the gas station and has the car fixed. Tired, the man asks the mechanic, "Hey, where is the nearest hotel?"

The mechanic replies, "No hotel here, but about 100 miles down the road you'll see there's a room under the cactus there. But what ever you do don't touch the big pink gorilla."

The man drives to the cactus. He opens a door and shuts it behind him, finds another door and shuts it behind him, then he finds a third door and shuts it behind him.

Lo and behold he sees a big pink gorilla in the room. The gorilla is docile and looks so cute and soft he's dying to touch it. He can't help himself. He walks over to the cage and starts trying to touch him through the bars.

As soon as the man lays a finger on him, the big pink gorilla freaks out. He beats his chest and rips his cage door clean off.

The man runs for his life. He opens the first door, slams it behind him. Opens the second door, slams it behind him. The man hear a crash as he opens the third door and slams it behind him.

The man hears a roar. He runs to the car, opens the door and shuts it. He locks all the doors and starts the car, as he sees the big pink gorilla racing towards him.

The big pink gorilla rips the car door off his car.The man thinks he's going to faint.

The gorilla pokes the guy and says, "Tag you're it!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 15, 2005, 11:09:58 AM
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of baloney. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.

There was still some baloney laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.

Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and fell straight to the ground... splat!

The moral of this story is simple... don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 15, 2005, 03:57:16 PM
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 16, 2005, 04:02:46 PM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

Here is an arsenal of statements that may solve this problem:

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy: "In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

2. To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 16, 2005, 10:00:31 PM
Martin Scorscese is interviewing three action heros for his new movie, they are Arnold Schwarzenneger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone. Pitching his movie he says, "This is gonna be an action flick with a twist...all three leads will be famous musical composers."

After some thought all three stars agree it's a new concept for an action flick and decide to get involved. In turn, Scorscese asks each star who they would like to play.

Bruce Willis pipes up first with "I've always wanted to play Mozart..." "Great, great!", enthuses Scorscese, "What about you, Sly?" Stallone thinks awhile and then says,"I've always liked Burt Baccarach's music, I'll be him." "Wonderful, wonderful, Sly", says Scorscese and, turning to Schwarzenneger he says "And how about you, Arnie?" Arnold thinks for a while and after some eye rolling and tutting turns to Scorscese and says.... "I'll be Bach."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 19, 2005, 01:13:58 PM
I was casting kids at church for our annual Christmas play, and was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.

Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 20, 2005, 04:12:17 PM
To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is highly discouraged.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 23, 2005, 11:35:41 AM
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on December 23, 2005, 12:17:57 PM
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 03, 2006, 09:58:53 AM
Are you into New Year resolutions?

Here's some New Year Resolutions for Pets

11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

10. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

9. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

8. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

7. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll kill me!

5. Get a bite in on that monster who gives me that shot every year.

4. Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! (January 2nd--December 31: Re-live victory over the sock)

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 09, 2006, 12:19:15 PM
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 10, 2006, 02:18:48 PM
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 12, 2006, 11:41:12 AM
A picky customer went to a small food shop and saw a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he said to the saleswoman. She did.

"Add three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She did.

"And what is that there?" he asks, pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.

"Raisins," said the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on January 14, 2006, 06:51:02 PM
A truck driver was driving down a particularly icy road when he noticed
a tollbooth ahead. He put on his brakes, but the truck failed to stop.
The truck crashed into the tollbooth, smashing it. As he surveyed the
damage, a second truck pulled up. Workers scrambled out and began
reconstructing the tollbooth with a white putty. Before long it looked as
good as new. Puzzled, he asked about the substance. The worker said,
"Oh, that's just tollgate booth paste."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 17, 2006, 03:15:12 PM
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on January 17, 2006, 05:28:28 PM
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 19, 2006, 03:53:42 PM
A father had three very active boys. One evening, he was playing cops and robbers with them in the backyard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"

The dad slumped to the ground, and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 20, 2006, 04:28:33 PM
Lisa, a worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. John reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter he'd written then.

"All you have to do," John told her, "Is change the details, the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on February 02, 2006, 07:06:56 PM
In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
     "service."

     "The act of doing things for other people."

     Then I heard the terms:
     
     Internal Revenue Service
     Postal Service
     Telephone Service
     Civil Service
     Selective Service
     City/County Public Service
     Customer Service
     Service Stations
     
     I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I
     thought "service" meant.
     
     Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them
     mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of
     his cows.
     
     SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.
     Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to
     us.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 03, 2006, 01:15:17 PM
Consider these newly discovered laws of the universe...

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 07, 2006, 12:18:44 PM
My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said.

So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15.

After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on February 07, 2006, 04:07:12 PM
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 13, 2006, 01:31:23 PM
TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 14, 2006, 10:07:37 AM
Jack was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.

One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone.

After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.

Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"

The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 16, 2006, 10:52:02 AM
Henry's first stop on his vacation was his sister's house. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, Henry figured he'd done her one better. He boasted to her, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

His sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 17, 2006, 02:18:58 PM
The child came home from his first day at school. His mother asked, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The child replied, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 20, 2006, 12:49:19 PM
Have you ever thought...?

Good things come in small packages because big things can't, unless they're inflatable or require some assembly.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 21, 2006, 11:00:25 AM
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 21, 2006, 12:28:00 PM
Have you seen this funny birthday card? It says:

Forget about the past, You can't change it.

Forget about the future, You can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 23, 2006, 01:01:05 PM
A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in a jewelry store window. Not having the money to purchase the item, but desperately longing for it, she enters and speaks to the clerk.

"If I were to give you a small deposit for this item, could you possibly hold it for me?"

"Certainly," replies the clerk. "For how long shall we hold the item?

"Until my husband does something unforgivable."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on February 24, 2006, 03:17:49 AM
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
 
  "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
 
  "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 24, 2006, 05:45:03 PM
Sally was recently widowed, and also a first-grade teacher. One night she was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. She took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then she set it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, her son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at the coat-hanger figure sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 27, 2006, 02:37:43 PM
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 23, 2006, 01:03:30 AM
PLEASE NOTICE:

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

- The Department of Notification
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 25, 2006, 09:02:36 PM
** My apologies to whomever wrote this joke.  I just HAD to make the change **

On twenty-four-year-old Jolly's first trip to DisneyWorld, he couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, he clutched the little steering wheel in front of him.

When the ride was over, he said to his father a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."

[Edited on 3-26-2006 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 06, 2006, 12:14:15 PM
Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, Jane had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were a picture of her as a younger, slimmer person, taken on one of her first dates with her husband.

When showing him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 07, 2006, 10:46:08 AM
A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called "Stinky" when it was in her room but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.

"Tell me," he asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"

"That's easy," she replied. "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on April 07, 2006, 11:27:25 AM
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 10, 2006, 11:16:24 AM
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that letter arrived!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 24, 2006, 05:22:17 PM
Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 27, 2006, 12:20:44 PM
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 09, 2006, 11:18:15 AM
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 12, 2006, 12:45:01 PM
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.

One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient.

Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him by saying, "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 15, 2006, 02:08:54 PM
Do you know the top 5 Signs that your company is planning to lay you off? Here they are:

5. You frequently overhear the CEO mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny- Miney-You"

4. The guys from the mailroom see you, and their first response is "Oh, are you still here?"

3. The guy from HR keeps asking when can he show your cubicle.

2. Your coworkers keep dropping by and you catch them applying their name to your stapler.

1. They ask you to write a description of your job and send it to them in the form of a job classified ad.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: JollyRoger on May 16, 2006, 11:57:06 PM
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly...

Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 17, 2006, 11:32:00 AM
:lol :eek: :lol
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on May 17, 2006, 12:30:39 PM
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.  The  Officer  said,  "Mujibar,  you  have passed all the tests, except there is  one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United  States of America."  Mujibar said, "I am ready."  The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words 'Yellow, Pink and Green'."

Mujibar  thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."  The Officer  said, "Go ahead."  Mujibar said,  "The  telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar  now  lives  in  a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help desk.  I talked to him yesterday.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on May 23, 2006, 02:20:48 AM
Most remember from their school days of having to read and then submit a book report on what they had read... I wonder what kind of reception this would have received during your time in school?

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull*&#$ artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on May 23, 2006, 10:35:50 AM
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 23, 2006, 04:46:05 PM
A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message.

"Would you repeat that?" the operator asked.

"Not if I can help it!" came the reply.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 24, 2006, 01:40:03 PM
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist, "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on May 24, 2006, 03:19:55 PM
The Cracked Pot -

 An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

 One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

  At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

  For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

  After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

  The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

  "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

  Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.  You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

  So, to all of my crack pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

  Send this to any or all of your cracked Pot friends with in 5 minutes and see what happens! Don't forget the cracked pot that sent it to you!


 God Bless You All
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 25, 2006, 01:04:40 PM
A boy, entirely frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, approached his father and asked, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"

His father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No man has ever lived that long yet."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 30, 2006, 03:56:27 PM
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. The smells were horrendous.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Dad..." he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," Dad said. "And please clean up this room!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on May 31, 2006, 12:53:34 PM
Here are some VERY good reasons to buy a new car...

A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

That plaque that says it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a horse."

Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside them.

Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.

Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the engine falls out.

The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP of a certain small Asian nation.

The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days.

Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."

When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to be made.

Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off signal.

As you're leaving the parking lot after the County Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass."

Two words: Ford Edsel

It might have something to do with that second "Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender.

Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours.

While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.

You keep losing dates on left turns.

The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off.

The Duct tape you used to replace that right front fender is flagging again.

It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford borrowed it.

Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 07, 2006, 03:26:09 PM
As John and his five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day, they passed a car accident. Usually when they saw something terrible like that, they would say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so John pointed and said to his son, "We should pray."

From the back seat John heard his son's earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 09, 2006, 04:16:04 PM
An old pastor made it a weekly practice to visit his church school classes one day every week. One week he walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states. He asked them how many states they could name.

The students were able to recall 40 names. The pastor jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One 4th grader did not find him humorous. "Yes," he said, "but in those days there were only 13."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 12, 2006, 05:05:41 PM
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the rookie.

"Right after the National Anthem."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Spade on June 12, 2006, 10:17:30 PM
What do you get when you mix Diet coke and mentos?

http://www.eepybird.com/index.html

and the proof is here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRBkQe_lwak

ENJOY!!!!!!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 15, 2006, 09:34:29 AM
that second one cracked me up SOOOOO bad!

[Edited on 6-15-2006 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 19, 2006, 11:37:03 AM
A minister was called away unexpectedly on Saturday by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"It was the poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 20, 2006, 03:07:09 PM
Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each student left, the fire chief gave them a quiz to test their understanding.

The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 22, 2006, 09:40:58 AM
While waiting for his first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, Gary noticed the dentists' certificate, which bore the doctor's full name. Suddenly, Gary remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in his high school class some 45 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, Gary quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been a classmate.

After the dentist had finished the examination, Gary finally mustered the courage to ask him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?"

"In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" Gary exclaimed.

The dentist looked at Gary closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 23, 2006, 03:21:46 PM
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer, "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 28, 2006, 02:33:36 PM
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel light-headed?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 06, 2006, 03:13:15 PM
The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."

In a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 07, 2006, 11:54:34 AM
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, bachelor John declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his married sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 10, 2006, 01:34:02 PM
In his job with a credit union, John often runs across accounts that are protected by password. The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller.

Recently, when John asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save."

John was puzzled at this response until the customer explained.

"My husband put in that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on July 11, 2006, 02:06:19 PM
Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy
leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde
clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in
here this morning to get something for his cough. I
couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative."The pharmacist yells, "You idiot!
You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"The blonde
clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 12, 2006, 08:19:55 AM
From Curium:

"windows is a 32 bit patch to a 16 bit GUI based on a 8 bit operating system, written for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company which can not stand 1 bit of competition"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 12, 2006, 01:01:17 PM
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 13, 2006, 05:04:28 PM
Wolvy came home from a hard eighteen-hole golf match with some of his clanmates.

Ms. Wolvy greeted him and said, "Well, honey, did you win the game today?"

"Well," he said, "let's put it this way. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else."

** Just HAD to make that adjustment. ;) **
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 14, 2006, 03:49:19 PM
"Peter!" his mother shouted, preparing to give him a big scolding.

"There were two cookies in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"

Peter replied, "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 17, 2006, 01:29:54 PM
In honor of the latest installment of Pirates of the Carribean I have several jokes:

Q: What did the pirate like most about his salad?
A:  The ARRRRtichokes!

******
Cap'n: Arrr, where are me buccaneers?
First Mate: On the side of yer buccen head!

******
Then there was the guy who flunked out of pirate school....

He couldn't pass the three ARRRs!

******
Two kids saw a pirate walking down the pier with a Steering wheel attached to his belt buckle.

They asked him what the wheel was for, "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!" he responded.

Confused by this response they asked where his buccaneers were, "Why they be under my Buckin Hat!", the pirate snarled.

Beware pirates on the pier, for they are full of rum and smart-ass responses!

*******
Q:  What's a pirate's favorite noble gas?
A:  ARRRRRRgon!

*******
Q: How much does a pirate pay for his earrings
A: Buck an ear!  Arrr!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 18, 2006, 01:05:43 PM
Stress is when you wake up screaming... and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 20, 2006, 01:19:27 PM
A salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a young kid in front of a barn. On the barn are 5 targets with arrows in the bulls eye of each target. Screeching to a stop, he runs out to discover how this kid could shoot so well.

"Son," he says, "how did you hit all those bulls eyes?"

"Well sir," the boy replied, "I take the arrow and lick my fingers like this, then I take my fingers and straiten the feathers like this, take aim with my hand against my cheek, let go and where ever the arrow hits I draw a bulls eye."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 26, 2006, 08:14:45 AM
After shopping at a busy store, two women happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding their cars in the crowded expanse of the parking lot.

Just then one of the women's car horn beeped, and she was able to locate her vehicle easily.

"Wow," the other woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."

"Actually," the first women replied, "that's my husband behind the wheel."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: opiesilver on August 02, 2006, 10:58:08 AM
And the Moral Is....

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next by the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,. And the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story Sarah. Joey, do you have a a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Lyn. Aunt Lyn was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

"She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Lyn when she's drinking."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 17, 2006, 12:09:55 PM
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," the mother said. Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well," said the boy, "There's only so much I can blame on my dog."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Mr_Anderson on August 17, 2006, 12:27:34 PM
These three friends went on vacation together. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," He said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 21, 2006, 10:27:05 AM
Quasimodo wants to go on vacation, so he gets his clumsy brother to fill in for him at Notre Dame. The brother's first day up in the tower, he loses his footing and falls forward, smacking his forehead against the carillon as he falls to his death. Two priests gather around the fallen corpse; one says "This isn't Quasimodo at all! Who was this man?" Other priest says "I don't know... but his face sure rings a bell."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 23, 2006, 09:51:51 AM
A person was playing Trivial Pursuit one night with a bunch of friends.

After rolling the dice and landing on "Science & Nature," the question was read.

"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?"

The person thought for a long moment, and then finally asked, "Is the vacuum turned on or off?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 24, 2006, 04:26:47 PM
On a fine recent evening we were standing in line outside a busy restaurant, waiting our turn to be seated. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group.

"Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"

Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on August 29, 2006, 10:18:06 AM
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on October 25, 2006, 07:25:13 AM
Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

 

I AM a southerner....

 

Any questions?

 

Here is a test that will help you decide. You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,

praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

 

Democrat's Answer:

 

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!  I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

 

Republican's Answer:

 

BANG!

 

Southerner's Answer:

 

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You're NOT taking that to the Taxidermist!
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on October 25, 2006, 09:23:11 AM
I figured that.  I too would be a southerner.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 02, 2006, 01:31:33 PM
“The diet industry enjoys a heavy bottom line.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 17, 2006, 07:04:47 AM
“5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on November 20, 2006, 12:31:33 PM
“When my friend started to go bald, I tried not to laugh, but he looked hair-larious.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 01, 2006, 02:42:36 PM
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. When her Aunt asked how she was going to spend it, she replied by saying, "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God."

"He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on December 12, 2006, 08:02:25 AM
“Tires cost 100 bucks a pop.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 08, 2007, 07:46:57 AM
A Sunday School Teacher asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes that were turned in...

Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.

Dear God: In Sunday school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation?

Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.

Dear God: I think about You sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God: My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?

Dear God: I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 09, 2007, 07:47:59 AM
The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 10, 2007, 07:36:13 AM
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer. They then hired two more people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

And that's how government works.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 12, 2007, 08:20:04 AM
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 25, 2007, 07:20:29 AM
“I just offered someone a job and they accepted, so I offered him my contractulations.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 25, 2007, 10:48:06 AM
It seems that a Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals. The chief explained that they were going to be killed, skinned, eaten and that a canoe would be made from their tanned hides. BUT they could have one last wish.

So the Frenchman wanted a last cigarette. As soon as he was done with it, they killed him, they skinned him, they cooked him and ate him and they made a canoe from his hide.

The Englishman wanted a last cuppa tea. As soon as he was done with it, they killed him, they skinned him, they cooked him and ate him and they made a canoe from his hide.

Then they camne to the American. "I want a fork," he said.

Incredulous, they asked "A fork? Like you eat with?"

"Yes, a fork," he insisted. So they brought him a fork.

As soon as he received the fork, he started wildly stabbing himself all over his body.

"Canoe?" he shouted, "Here's your freaking canoe!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 29, 2007, 11:21:49 AM
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally, after she couldn't take it any longer, she told him, "Listen, Tom it means absolutely nothing. They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" Tom replied. Not sure if this was true or not, he decided to call the grocery store.

When the clerk answered the phone Tom said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on January 30, 2007, 07:45:07 AM
I just discovered a definition of a well adjusted person that I think may benefit you greatly in your life. It goes something like this...

"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 01, 2007, 01:27:35 PM
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up and became a policeman. Several months later a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," the former salesman replied, "The pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 02, 2007, 11:25:24 AM
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 07, 2007, 01:55:28 PM
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 08, 2007, 03:26:50 PM
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., Henry's squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through they realized they had lost their map.

In response to this news the patrol navigator said, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied. "At least one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 14, 2007, 10:27:26 AM
Tiring of the inconvenience of the drive from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!"

The startled man abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what got into me. That's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on February 16, 2007, 03:00:29 PM
A guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single fish. On his way home he decided to stop at the supermarket and order four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"Why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 06, 2007, 10:47:25 AM
It just may be that you need a new car when...

-You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

-You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

-You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

-The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

-You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

-The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 07, 2007, 10:55:08 AM
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "That I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 13, 2007, 07:08:49 AM
This list has come across my path... I don't know of it's accuracy, but it sure has some interesting (and humorous) info:

Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this post will try to lick their elbow.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

[Edited on 3-13-2007 by ZWarrior]
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 20, 2007, 08:18:51 AM
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 23, 2007, 08:09:00 AM
Macy's busy mother sometimes accidentally leaves pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

When Macy's sister came back from college she noticed her Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply...

"No -- DOOR! Trust me. I went to college."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 25, 2007, 11:34:53 AM
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The CAT

{This one was for Snauz and his new cat... Sassy.  May the furball rule his life as only a furball can. ;) }
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on March 26, 2007, 07:55:01 AM
“Marie Antoinette said that feeding the peasants was a piece of cake.”
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on April 25, 2007, 03:44:40 PM
During Susy's brother's wedding, her mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at Susy's grandparents. Her grandmother had reached over to her grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start Susy's mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Susy's mom went over to her grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Boomslang on June 04, 2007, 07:11:34 AM
George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline
>
>
>Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
>
>
>The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal
>immigrants!
>
>
>That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas
>would
>come down.
>
>
>Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
>illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
>ammo and ship him to Iraq.  Tell him if he wants to come to America then he
>must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's
>there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a
>citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be
>taxed and be a legal patriot.
>
>
>This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a
>solution
>for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for
>themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the
>canteen, rifle or ammo.
>
>
>Problem solved.
>
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on June 05, 2007, 10:58:40 AM
Quote
Originally posted by Boomslang
... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.
>


Sounds like a solution to me!  Good joke.
Title: The Book Report
Post by: Spade on July 06, 2007, 09:02:24 AM
The six stages of married life:

1: Tri-weekly
2: Try weekly
3: Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5: Try anything
6: Try to remember

LOL
Title: The Book Report
Post by: ZWarrior on July 06, 2007, 09:22:53 AM
Oh so familiar that one.

Q:  What is a pirate's favorite fast food?

A:  Arrrby's
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on August 30, 2007, 08:26:23 AM
The tonight show put a "Free photo booth" in the Universal Studios park, and had a comedian doing the talking to the guests while they getting their pictures taken.

Funnier than I make it sound.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8XjuVSpUgbA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvygLiahSdg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vAjcMrhBfuo
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: (A!)Rico on November 14, 2007, 09:42:36 AM
Little Tony on Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"










LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!'"

LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own business




Thought i would stop by and say hello to everyone! I figured this would be the most appropriate thread since this is where i dedicated most of posts.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Wolverine of Ambush! on November 15, 2007, 03:52:33 PM
HEY RICO!!!!  Nice to hear from you.. Funny joke



 :sniper:
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on December 06, 2007, 08:24:42 AM
________________________________

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!
 For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named  after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
 
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
 
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
 
7TH PLACE :
 
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son


6TH PLACE:
 
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
 
 
5TH PLACE:
 
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
 
 Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...
 
 
4TH PLACE :
 
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
 
3RD PLACE :
 
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
 
 
2ND PLACE :
 
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
 
 1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
 
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her (are you sitting down?) $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
 
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? Ya think??!!
 
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to the top floor either!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on December 06, 2007, 12:26:54 PM
Oh wow...great post!!!!  :clap:
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on December 07, 2007, 09:10:59 AM
The new head coach for University of Nebraska- Lincoln is Bo Pelini.  Don't know anything about him?  Here are some facts...

Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on December 07, 2007, 10:04:22 AM
Think I just Vomited, no I actually did...
[Swallows]
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on December 07, 2007, 02:28:32 PM
I came seriously close to puking myself.   :puke:
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on December 07, 2007, 02:44:21 PM
what kinda of weak little sissy boys we got in here anyway?

IS JOKE!!!!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on January 18, 2008, 08:24:11 AM

Driving along the interstate the other day I saw a billboard that said, "Need help?  Call Jesus, 1-800-005-3787".  Out of curiosity I called the number...

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on January 30, 2008, 01:53:40 PM
   Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

 In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on January 31, 2008, 09:55:16 AM
Airplane maintenance
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
*****************************
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
*****************************
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
*****************************
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
*****************************
(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit
*****************************
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed
*****************************
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level
*****************************
(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order
*****************************
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
*****************************
(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
*****************************
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for
*****************************
(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
*****************************
(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
*****************************
(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
*****************************
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on February 03, 2008, 06:00:48 AM
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/real_programmers.png)
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on February 04, 2008, 03:55:32 PM
Real programemrs don't use any of those.  You use those for scripting which is not considered programming but rather just sys admin stuff.  Real programmers just use a text file with vi that they can then run make to use complier library file to encrypt thier program inot machine readable code.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on February 04, 2008, 08:28:59 PM
MASM (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MASM) is the way baby.
Yes, I actually learned that in college. *shudder*
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on February 05, 2008, 01:10:15 AM
That's just a GUI'd scripting tool that Access developers love cause they don't have to think too hard.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on February 05, 2008, 10:47:31 AM
nope, there was no GUI for that.  It was all pure peek, push, pull, pop.  *shudders again*
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Boomslang on February 18, 2008, 05:09:26 PM
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced
 that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

 A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of
 one person put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
 
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are
 way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, make her President, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week.'
 
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on February 19, 2008, 04:02:56 PM
Stop!  You're killing me!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on February 22, 2008, 01:13:34 PM

Vista spoof
http://my.break.com/content/view.aspx?ContentID=455889
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on February 22, 2008, 04:10:41 PM
Oh my gosh that is too funny!!!!   You get karma for that find.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on February 23, 2008, 10:44:46 PM
ditto
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on February 28, 2008, 10:13:38 AM
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=160851

Caution: Network Television language is found in this post.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on February 28, 2008, 01:37:32 PM
Here it is to save you clicking.  Be cautioned, MASSIVE CONVULSIONS are possible, just from laughing!

Quote
The horror of blimps
Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY S**T! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living *&#$ out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: snauzberries on March 02, 2008, 12:04:50 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/302101/cheating_wife/



Really funny
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on March 02, 2008, 10:23:25 PM
did not expect that.  LOL
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on March 03, 2008, 06:24:00 AM
awsome!!!!!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: snauzberries on March 06, 2008, 01:33:23 PM
All too true


http://www.mrdaz.com/it-madness/
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Mr_Anderson on March 06, 2008, 04:42:28 PM
Since you want to post videos, I'll post one of my favorites.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM

Gotta love what one little noise can do!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on March 14, 2008, 04:19:11 PM
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on March 14, 2008, 06:07:42 PM
Tools and their definitions.......


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on March 18, 2008, 09:45:31 AM
I read User friendly everyday to keep the funny in my work day.  Today the author, Illiad, posted a story (http://ars.userfriendly.org/news/?id=1205779741) from before he became a webtoonist.

I quote it here to save you the browsing...

Quote
This isn't really an opinionated item per se. It's more of a re-telling of a time when I was very opinionated about the Canadian penal system. This is also one of my most requested stories to tell.

A long time ago I was thinking seriously of joining the RCMP, Canada's much vaunted and smashingly dressed federal police force. I had a bunch of useful educational credits and other advantages that would help my application, and at the time I was pretty athletic. (Sidebar: Cartooning is not conducive to building your cardio.) But I was also aware that signing up with the Force meant that I'd be committing myself to quite a life change, similar to joining the armed forces.

So I decided to stick my big toe in the water, so to speak, before diving into the lake. I applied for, competed for, and succeeded in becoming employed by the British Columbia Correctional Service. I specifically applied to the province's (at the time, only) max-security remand centre, because I wanted to experience the worst of the worst, the hardest environment available in a provincial jail. Looking back, it was both a good and bad experience.

I had always felt that prisoners in Canada's penal system were coddled and given benefits that law-abiding Canadians below the poverty line couldn't afford to enjoy. Having seen first-hand what it's like in a modern provincial jail, I decided that "coddled" perhaps wasn't the right adjective. Not even close. Thus ends the "opinionated" part of this news item. What follows is far more entertaining and eye-opening.

For a while I was working in Records, and as the junior officer I was given all of the secondary jobs, assisting the senior staff. During the week, inmates who were going to court (this is a remand centre, where inmates are not convicted but are remanded into custody) would come down to Records and be processed out to their court dates. They'd be escorted by the B.C. Sheriff's service (sheriffs in Canada are court officers who handle prisoner transfers) once processed out of the jail. Prior to being handed over to the sheriffs, all of the inmates were frisked. They're permitted to bring nothing with them but a comb. Many times they'd try to smuggle a pack of playing cards, or tobacco, or even drugs. Cigarettes were the contraband of choice.

The procedure was to have officers frisk the inmates, and if an officer suspected than an inmate had stashed something in their underwear or any other place that was inconvenient, they would direct that inmate to a skin-frisk team. I was on one of those teams one fateful morning.

So the inmate comes over and we direct him into a changing room. I was paired with a sheriff, a big bear of a guy with a Wery Stronk Slavic Accent. Boris takes the lead position and stands inside the changing room with the inmate, where he gives directions and hand-checks the items of clothing as they're handed back. I stood at the door as an official witness so that the inmate couldn't falsely claim he was assaulted or abused. I was also there as backup.

Boris gives the inmate the usual litany: "Takink off socks. Pliz to be turnink them inside-out. Hand to me. Da. Takink off pants..." and so forth. Finally, the inmate is down to his institution-issued boxers. "Takink off underwear. Inside-out. Hand to me. Wery good. Run fingers through hair. Open mouth. Liftink tongue."

You know what's next. It's always left for last and it's unpleasant for searcher and searchee.

"Turnink around pliz. Bendink over. Spreadink chiks."

And so the inmate does this, exposing his chocolate starfish. Now, I'm not particularly experienced in medical matters, but this inmate had the absolute worst case of hemorrhoids EVAR. There was this loop sticking out of his bung that had to be an inch or two long. Boris' eyes light up, and he says, "AH HA! CONTRABAND!" And he grabs the loop between thumb and forefinger and yanks.

The inmate made no sound. He just collapsed like a sack of rice to the tile floor, twitching. Me, I'm desperately gasping for breath from laughing so hard. I'm leaning against the doorframe, trying to key my mike, and I manage to squeak out "Medical, assistance, in, Records, please." And Sheriff Boris, dear Boris, is standing over the inmate, puzzled.

I've finally slid to the floor myself, still laughing, but I'm at the point where I have no air left in my lungs. The only sound coming from me is a "click click click" as my diaphragm twitches back and forth. Right at that point, right at that godforsaken point, Boris says to the inmate, "Hunh. You should have somebody look at that."

And all I could do was convulse.

Next time: More opinion, fewer hemorrhoids.

Sounds like something Opie would do.   :smilegrin:
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on March 19, 2008, 07:11:55 AM
I can't breath....OMG that was too funny.  Karma for you!!!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on March 19, 2008, 10:05:15 AM
I thought you might like that.  :D
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: n1c on April 19, 2008, 11:32:28 PM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/302101/cheating_wife/



Really funny


That was good
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on May 29, 2008, 04:04:45 PM
Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work. But I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy," then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was "Crazy" & give me a few days off.

A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down & walked out of the office...
 
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...and where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!"
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on June 11, 2008, 10:50:32 AM
The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. 

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

Welcome to the Husband Store. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love  kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the  housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth  floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on June 12, 2008, 05:23:10 AM
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI IF.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-
shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on June 12, 2008, 05:42:38 AM
Charlie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.  She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"   
 
The next morning, Charlie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway .

Confused, the  wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom
scale!!
 
Charlie has been missing since Friday . Please pray for him!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 14, 2008, 12:20:41 AM




Grandmas Don't Know Everything...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken back, but she decided to just tell him the
truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony just
said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
Mom wants to talk to you.'




 Jake was dying....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jake was dying.

His wife sat at his bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's no need," his wife replied.

"No," Jake insisted, with tears in his eyes, "I want to die in peace. I have to tell you....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now, Jake, please just rest and let the poison work."




Everything has a gender!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!



Family custom

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on June 14, 2008, 08:04:35 AM
Oh my goodness, Rico has returned!!!!!  Nice to see you again.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on June 14, 2008, 01:58:48 PM
Man, he always has the funnies.  loved the objects list.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: (A!)Rico on June 15, 2008, 04:25:07 AM
Hey guys just thought i would drop by and see how things are going, im in Iraq right now but ive only got about 3months left on my deployment before i get to come home again, should be about mid to late september. Itll be nice coming back with some cash, ive had the same computer now for about 4years so itll be time to update it.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on June 15, 2008, 11:51:57 AM
Dude, let me know if there is anything we can do for you!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Jeggard on June 17, 2008, 07:24:21 PM
OMGosh ANOTHER MARINE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on June 17, 2008, 11:39:50 PM
We can't seem to get rid of them......... :borg:


I'm kidding guys...don't hurt me....
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Boomslang on July 14, 2008, 06:36:59 AM
When you have an
I Hate My Job Day,
[even if retired, you have those sometimes]
try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand.   When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOU
 
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on July 15, 2008, 08:52:26 AM

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

and then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************
********

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on July 20, 2008, 08:53:40 PM
Tech Support rate:
TechnicalSupportPriceGuide (http://www.erenkrantz.com/Humor/TechnicalSupportPriceGuide.shtml)

(Linked Because of Formatting)
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Mr_Anderson on July 20, 2008, 11:24:18 PM
Nice... seems like reasonable rates
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on July 21, 2008, 03:01:51 AM
Loved it. 
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on July 23, 2008, 08:04:01 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on July 23, 2008, 11:02:42 PM
I smite thee for thy bad joke.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on July 24, 2008, 07:27:08 AM
You laughed, admit it.  ;)
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Boomslang on September 22, 2008, 05:30:28 PM
There are less than two months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on September 23, 2008, 11:20:25 AM
I am sooo staying home on that night.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on September 23, 2008, 04:23:09 PM
A man decided to move to the moon. He had everything he needed to survive on the moon, all loaded on his rocket.  Just to be on the up and up he contacted the FAA to ask for flight clearance, he was told that he had to contact NASA.  He called NASA and they told him it was all clear. So, He launches his ship. On his way up a local military base calls him on the radio and asks for Identification. he tell them his name, and he destination. there was silence...

Then the tell him if he doesn't land they will scramble to fighters to take him down.

He assure them he going to the moon, and that it is impossible to land a rocket.

After a few more minutes the scramble two plane that follow him and attempt to shoot him down.

He did make it too the moon, but three years later when NASA makes it back to the moon they tell him he can't live there and he has to come back to earth and stand trial for trespassing.

He comes back and is detained by officials that tell him he needs a passport....

Moral of the story, You can't leave, you can't come back,  and the moon appearently belongs to someone.

Only Humans...
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on September 24, 2008, 08:31:27 PM
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.


She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Boomslang on September 26, 2008, 01:57:54 PM
Subject: Rallys
 
On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
 
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on September 26, 2008, 05:09:10 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on September 26, 2008, 06:01:19 PM
That one was worth giving you a karma point over.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on October 23, 2008, 04:39:15 PM
   Kentucky Redneck Man's pick up lines

 1) Did you fart?  Cuz you blew me away.

 2) Are yer parents retarded?  Cuz ya sure are special.

 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.  I can't hold it in.

 4) Do you have a library card?  Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?  Cuz I can see myself in em.

 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer
     hole.

 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a
      light switch away.

 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?"
     Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer
     bed-rock.

 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?  I think he
      went inta this cheap motel room.

 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
      afternoon.

       and.... the best for last!

 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my
       nuts tighten up.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on November 14, 2008, 10:23:27 AM
Dear Fellow Business Owners:

As a Business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama, will be our next President, and that my Taxes and Fees, will go up in a BIG way.  To compensate for these increases, I figure, that the Customer, will have to see a 8-9 percent increase in my fees to them.  I will also have to lay off 6 of my employees.  This really bothered me as I believe we are family, here and didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did:

I strolled thru the parking lot and found, 8 Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars.  I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.  I can't think of another fair way to approach this problem.  If you have a better idea, let me know.  I am sending this letter to all Business owners that I know.

Sincerely
 
Ben Giamalva

Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on November 25, 2008, 03:08:06 PM
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And enjoy visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac

with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme, but I don't give a crap
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on December 15, 2008, 01:32:23 PM
http://www.xkcd.com/512/

Considering the state of my hard drive and Zune....

I am richer than Uncle BIll could ever be!
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: Boomslang on January 08, 2009, 05:30:48 PM
During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four
religious truths:

 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
the Christian world.

 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

I saw this over at XI and had to pass it on.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on January 23, 2009, 02:21:01 PM
(http://www.ambushsite.com/gallery/97_23_01_09_2_20_17.jpg)
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on January 23, 2009, 05:55:53 PM
Don't steal dannyC bandwidth, seriously! Don't do it!
http://members.cox.net/jrfrancl/517035470243_39581.avi
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: ZWarrior on January 23, 2009, 09:29:49 PM
LOL  love both of them.  Good to see DannyC as well.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: JollyRoger on January 24, 2009, 04:23:16 PM
I made that pic a few years ago. I found it hiding on am old HD of mine and thought I'd share it again.
I found the video of Dan on facebook, I had to share.
Title: Re: Tickle Our Funny Bones
Post by: opiesilver on January 25, 2009, 03:34:44 AM
Good one.

Look over my shoulder....Batswanna Blake....one of the meanest UT players ever.