Tickle Our Funny Bones

[ShadowKiller14]

got any jokes? post em here.

[ZWarrior]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

[Morpheus]

Don't know, why?

[ZWarrior]

What're you asking me for, I asked you first!

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

bad...just plain bad... Did you HAVE to put us through that one?

[opiesilver]

Amen brother!!

[Morpheus]

The answer depends....

Ralph Nader: "because industial polution and urban sprawl have destroyed it's habitat, it probably won't make it across the street because a gas guzzling SUV will crush it."

Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"

Tom Daschle: "The republicans paid the chicken to sacrafice itself as a political stunt"

President Bush:  "It's a free nation"

And of course... to get to the other side.

[ZWarrior]

A Blonde's Death in the Family

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[ShadowKiller14]

one day a blonde was at home with her husband jim. the blonde was sitting at the table quietly doing a puzzle, she just couldnt figure it out. frustrated, and angry, she asks her husband for help:

"ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A TIGER!"said the blonde hysterically

the husband sighs "honey, put the frosted flakes back in the box!"

[ZWarrior]

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?


A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

[ZWarrior]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[ZWarrior]

''I'm Stupid'' Signs

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, I'm Stupid. That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope — talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot! See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked So..is your truck stuck? I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign.

[opiesilver]

**groan**

Now those last two were funny.

[ZWarrior]

Here's another one...

The Blonde and the Coke Machine

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke.

The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and says, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

[ZWarrior]

The new teacher

Here goes Little Johnny being smart in class again . . . A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[ZWarrior]

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

[(A!)Rico]

one day at school the teacher is giving her students a taste test so she has them all close there eyes, she first puts on a strawberry on there tongues the students easily say its a strawberry then she puts a cherry the students easily guessed that is was a cherry then the teacher put a drop of honey on each students tongues well the students are stumped for a little bit there moving it around and just cant quite figure out the taste then the teachers give them a hint she says this is what your parents call each other  then a student in the back screams   SPIT IT OUT ITS AN *******!

[Edited on 11-11-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

[Edited on 11-14-2002 by ZWarrior]

[(A!)Rico]

It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:

* No premarital sex.

* No booze. None. Never.

* No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

* No Spice channel. No ESPN.
 

* No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

* No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

* Women have to be completely covered and wear veils.

* No Victoria's Secret stuff.

* Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

* Sand. sand everywhere!

* More sand.

* Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

* Sandstorms. More sand everywhere!

* Rags for clothes and hats.

* Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

* Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western.".

* Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

* And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they volunteer!"



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

[(A!)Rico]

Rated PG-13
"Little Johnny with math"

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the FREAKING difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

[(A!)Rico]

Rated R
"THE MAN CODE"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call YPUR FULL OF IT . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.



[Edited on 11-14-2002 by [Lord] Rico]

[opiesilver]

It would be a good idea to clean the language up as some of the younger, and older, members might take offence.  Just subsitute the words for a "clean" version.

[n1c]

I Concur...

[n1c]

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest this week.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1999 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1999 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the next Super Bowl, or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Nov. 1, 1999, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1999 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1999 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

[ZWarrior]

I like the jokes, just try to keep it clean.  I cleaned the only thing I saw

Good jokes though!

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

NICE!  Lord [Rico]    very funny!