Tickle Our Funny Bones

[(A!)Rico]

Close Enough For Government  

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
 


Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''  


A few clowns short of a circus.  
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
 




   
 
 

Employee of the Month  

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
( ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
 
 

First Class Blondie  

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
 




Policeman  


    What to not say to the nice policeman.

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

[ZWarrior]

I love the stupid ones!

[yoda_mon]

Kansas is in there, Opie.

[yoda_mon]

This is just too funny.

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/splish_splash2/splish_splash2.swf

[ZWarrior]

Why is it that farts always smell worse after filtering through the water?

Just a thought.

[Morpheus]

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on
the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door
and
knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked."

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

Good one!

[Wolverine of Ambush!]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
>  the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up
>  with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
>  driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
>  In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>  stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would
>  all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
>
>  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>
>  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
>      buy a new car.
>
>  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You
>     would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
>     windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you
>    could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
>      your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
>      have to reinstall the engine.
>
>  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
>      five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
>      five percent of the roads.
>
>  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
>      be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
>      warning light.
>
>  7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
>      and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
>      handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
>      how to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate
>      in the same manner as the old car.
>
>  10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Morpheus]

And could you imagine, if you change your spark plugs, oil filter, and air filter all at the same time, you'd have to call in to re-activate the engine..

[Edited on 3-12-2003 by Morpheus]

[ZWarrior]

A few jokes and quotes I recently received:  

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
   -Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
  - General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
  - "Stormin'" Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
  - Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
  - Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
  - Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
  - Regis Philbiin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
  - P.J O'Rourke (1989)
 
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
  - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he   hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,  people."
  - Conan O'Brien

"I don't know  why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
  - Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
  - David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?  One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him."

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
:rolling

[Morpheus]

Peace Talks
 
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in
the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
 
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes
out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George
carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between
the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot
comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.
 
I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish
these talks in two weeks in Washington!"
 
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares
himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses
the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers.
 
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again
nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed,
Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in
a fit of hysterics.
 
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
 
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Morpheus]

SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
 
March 4, 2003.
 
Today it was reported that a severe earthquakes have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale. The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves.
 
According to  the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from  World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are
30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century.
 
May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!
 
PASS THIS AROUND! Maybe it will get to someone in France!!!

[(A!)Rico]

lot of jokes here...
 


 
A guy lives in a multi-story apartment building in downtown New York. One day it appeared to be raining outside, so he curiously poked his hand out the window and felt for rain drops. As he did so, something fell right into the palm of his hand.  He quizzically looked at the object and realized it was a glass eyeball. He instinctively thrusted his head out the window and looked up towards the sky to see an unusual site. A blonde haired woman was leaning over her window a few stories up.  She screamed down, "Excuse me? Could you please bring me my eyeball back upstairs?!!"  He agreed, and went upstairs to return her precious eye.  When she answered her door she was extremely grateful and invited him in for a drink.  He accepted the offer noticing she was quite attractive. They talked and enjoyed each others company for an hour or so, and she then asked if he wanted to stay for a nice dinner.  He was surprised at her genuine hospitality and accepted. After all, he was the hero of the day.   Dinner went just as well as before and they were certainly hitting it off.  She once again asked him another intriguing question. She said, "I was wondering if you would like to stay the night?"  To himself he was thinking how strange, and finally rustled up the courage to ask her, "This is weird, do you do this with every guy you meet!?"  She tasseled her hair and with a seductive look proclaimed, "Ohhhh no!! Only ones that catch my eye!"
 




Boy Scout Letter Home

Dear Mom & Dad

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.  We are OK.  Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?  I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline.  Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Cole



YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM IDAHO IF......

 You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway!

You install security locks on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  Surgeon/Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Redneck-Poetry

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The
redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three Ladies in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!


The Hunting Trip

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said,

"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes
later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was
quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the
skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when
the  wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss  or
scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks
crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them
with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

*What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad away..

 

*If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is.... the nut behind the wheel!

 

*Two guys are out bowling. One says to the other, "With my wife, I'll never need a laxative."

"Because she makes you eat the right foods?" asks the other.

"No." Comes the reply. "Because she irritates the crap out of me!"


*What did the hillbilly get on his IQ test? Drool!

 

*What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 

*How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms.

Observations:

*When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

*People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Great Paint Job!

Julie, a blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money, so she decided to go to a nice neighborhood and look for odd jobs.

At one nice house, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Sure I have a job for you. How would you like to paint my porch?"

"That sounds great!" said Julie.

"How much will it cost?" asked the man.

"Is fifty dollars all right?" Julie asked.

"That's fine." He replied. "You'll find the paint and brushes in the garage, just let me know when you're done." He said, and then went back into his house.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the man.

"You painted the whole porch already?" he queried her.

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

"Oh, and by the way," she said, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

 

Red Neck Jokes

*You might be a redneck if...Fewer than half of your cars run.

*You might be a redneck if...You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.

*You might be a redneck if...Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of chicken and a sixpack.

*You might be a redneck if...The theme song at your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places".

*You might be a redneck if...Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

*You might be a redneck if...You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

*You might be a redneck if...You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

*You might be a redneck if...Your gas cap is a rag.

*You might be a redneck if...The primary color of your car is "bondo".

*You might be a redneck if...The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road..."

*You might be a redneck if...You consider the styrofoam cooler one of the greatest inventions of all time.

Blonde Jokes

*She Was So Blonde That....she sold her car for gas money

*Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car.

*Why do blondes have sunroofs in their cars? More leg room!

*How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

*She Was So Blonde That.... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind

 Misc Jokes

*Did you know......the best way for a wife to get her husband to give up golf is to play with him every day?

*...Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl?

*...If a man is too lazy to think for himself, he should get married?

*Yesterday's newspaper reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive..


[Edited on 3-28-2003 by [Lord] Rico]

[ZWarrior]

Whoa!  that was a long list.  Some ofthose were really good!  A few were questionable, but most were really good! :lol

[opiesilver]

http://www.angelfire.com/nj2/sadiemay/drseussexplains.html

[Morpheus]

I love that one!

[ZWarrior]

http://welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

[ZWarrior]

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.

  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.  

  Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said “No.”

 I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me."

  Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?”

  “No,” he replied.

  I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.

  Soooooo….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

  Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled…
 
  ”SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”

 While 20 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

 I was mortified!

 Some kindly elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

  Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time… I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did!"

[opiesilver]

:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

That's one of the funniest things I have read in a while.

[ZWarrior]

That was sub'd to me by Mrs. ZW!

[opiesilver]

This is a good one.........

http://crew.tweakers.net/JvS/zooi/realhussein.swf

[ZWarrior]

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

[ZWarrior]

BTW....
Ewok tastes like chicken!:D

[Fraggster]

[AMDGuy]

What do you call 32 Hicks in one room? a Full set of teeth